The Killer In The Back Seat
There was a woman driving home alone at night and she stops for gas. The attendant
fills the tank and takes her credit card. He has a strange look on his face and asks her to come inside to check some problem
with her credit card. She goes inside and the attendant locks the door and tells her there's a guy in the back seat with a
meat cleaver.
The Licked Hand
There was this girl that had a dog that would lie under her bed. Whenever she wanted
to know if everything was ok, she would put her hand under the bed. If the dog licked her hand that meant that everything
was all right. One night the girl was all alone, and she was in bed. She heard a noise like a dog panting. She put her hand
under the bed and the dog licked it. Later that night she wanted to get something to drink. When she got to the kitchen she
heard a drip, drip, drip. She went over to the sink, but the tap wasn't dripping. In the sink, though, there was a bloody
knife. After she saw the knife she backed into the fridge. Again she heard drip, drip, drip. She opened the door, and out
swung her butchered dog. On the dog there was a note that said, "Humans can lick too."
La Lorona
Many years ago there was a young mother living in a remote valley in the foothills
of Southern California. Her husband had left her many months before and she did all that she could to provide for her
three children. Times were hard however, and she eventually lost her will to go on. Soon she took to locking herself in her
bedroom for days on end refusing to come out for anyone, including her children. Then one night after going days without food
her youngest began wailing uncontrollably. That prompted the eldest child who was about to turn six, to pound on his mother's
door, pleading for her to come out. Instead she ordered him away screaming, "Leave me alone! I want to be alone!" He didn't
listen however, and all three began to shriek and wail. Finally hours later, the woman ripped the door open in a sudden burst
of anger screaming, "I said shut up! Shut up!" seeing the fury in her eyes, the eldest tried to escape out the back door,
but got caught in the latch. That gave his mother the chance to yank him by the hair, yank his neck back, and in a moment
of pure unbridled rage, with a large kitchen knife she slit his throat from ear to ear. "You see what happens to naughty little
boys?" she screamed at the other two. Then she attacked them in the same way, chopping and hacking away at both of them until
they were decimated. Hours later, after she had poured their remains into a large wheelbarrow. Some say that she waded out
into the water as far as she could go, while others say that she climbed into a small boat. In any case, she dumped the remains
into the sea and waited for every last piece to disappear. No one saw the woman again after that. Apparently she locked herself
in her room for weeks trying to convince herself that it was all a bad horrific dream. Then one day, after regaining her courage,
she decided to go out into the kitchen to make herself something to eat. And that's when she realized that she hadn't been
dreaming at all. Because there across the walls and ceiling, across the tables and chairs, and across the windows and floor
were large puddles of blood in bold explosive marks. Horrified, she ran outside and down the road. She ran as far and as fast
as she could go in no particular direction with tears flooding her eyes and choking her throat. Finally after several miles,
she collapsed to the ground out of sheer exhaustion. By chance she stumbled upon a knife lying in the grass. Still hysterical
she picked it up, squeezed her eyes shut, clenched her teeth and with a single sweeping gesture she plunged the blade into
her chest. All at once, she came face to face with God. "Please, Father, she begged. "If you bring my children the love they
deserve. I will never forgive myself for how I treated them and I will accept your gravest punishment." God eventually allowed
her to return to the living, provided that she find all the pieces of her children within a nine year period. If unsuccesful,
however she would have to take the lives of three children but only when they reached the age of her eldest son. Otherwise,
she'd remain in Purgatory forever. From that day on she began haunting the beaches, lakes, and riverbeds for miles around
always in a long black flowing gown, and always near the water's edge, where she hoped to find pieces of her children. Locals
began referring to her as La Lorona or the Weeping Lady, and many believed that she was the very incarnation of evil. Sadly,
she never found her children even after years of searching. So when she happened to come across a young family with three
children of their own, she believed that her fortune had taken a turn for the better. She returned to the family's home the
following day, and impressed upon the young parents the importance of showering love upon their beautiful children. "For
one never knows when God will decide to take them away," she said tearfully before spinning a tragic tale of her own children.
The young parents felt sorry for her and offered her a room in their guesthouse. "We've been looking for a nanny for months,"
the mother confessed. "Perhaps you could of the children too." The woman thanked them profusely, and promised that she would
take care of their children. "As if they were my own," she said. All went well for the first couple of months. The children
liked their new nanny, and she treated them with genuine affection. So when it came time to celebrate the eldest child's sixth
birthday, no one seemed to notice as she carried the sleeping child right past his bedroom and up the stairs to the attic
over the barn. About an hour later, after everyone had fallen asleep, she caressed the boy's forehead softly while whispering,
"I'm sorry" over and over. The she placed a blade to his neck and slit his throat. The woman struck again the following year,
killing the middle child in the exact same way, and then once again two years later on the youngest child's birthday. She
failed on the third attempt because unbeknownst to her, the family had placed scouts throughout the house, and one of them
spotted her carrying the child to the attic. Acting quickly, several guards jumped her before she could get to the child.
They couldn't wrestle the knife away from her however, and during the struggle, she free herself momentarily, and plunged
the knife into her chest. Just as before, she came face to face with God and pleaded for his forgiveness. But this time God
wasn't God after all but the Devil. "Three children," he chuckled. "Ages 6, 6 and 6...Welcome to Hell my dear.
Mary Worth AKA Bloody Mary
A woman named Mary was horribly disfigured in an accident. You can call upon her
spirit by standing in front of a mirror chanting Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary and on that one you will either see
her face in the mirror and die of fright or she will come out of the mirror and claw your face.
Kidneys Missing
A man wakes up in his bathtub covered with ice. A note is on his chest that reads,
"Call 911, immediately!" The man staggers to a phone and calls 911. The operator asks him to check his back for two incisions.
He indicates that there are two incisions and is instructed to lay down and rest in the tub of ice. An ambulance is dispatched
immediately in the hopes of getting him to the hospital in time to replace the harvested kidneys.
Lights Out
Two girls are roommates in the college dorms. One girl leaves to go to the library
or off one a date, sometimes even to work. Some time passes and she has to go back to her room to get something: a jacket,
her purse, or a forgotten book. Knowing exactly where the object is she does not turn the light on. Sometimes the story goes
that the roommate was sick or asleep or as a courtesy she doesn't turn the light on. When the roommate finally returns to
her room for the night there are policemen outside her room. When she looks in the room she sees her roommate brutally murdered
and written in blood are the eerie words, "Aren't you glad you didn't turn on the lights?" suggesting that the killer was
in the room when she returned for her forgotten item.
The Hook
A young couple sneaks away to a country road or Lover's Lane for a few minutes of
making out. Either on the way there or after they arrive a special news bulletin cuts into the song on the radio and alerts
everyone in the area of a killer on the loose. Sometimes he is an escaped convict from a nearby prison; sometimes he is an
escaped lunatic from a nearby asylum; sometimes he is even a sex maniac. The radio announcer warns everyone to be on the lookout
and to not go outside if you don't have to. The killer is easily recognizable because because he has a hook for a hand. The
girl gets real nervous and tells her boyfriend they should go home. He pleads with her to stay. A little argument ensues and
eventually the girl wins. The guy feeling very frustrated at the makeout session going awry, is said to have gunned the
engine and peeled out of there. When they arrive home the girl gets out of the car herself, because the boyfriend is angry
and won't even open the car door for her. A blood hook is found dangling from the door handle they barely escaped. If not
for the girl's insistence they would have been killed. The speed and recklessness in which he drove away is what causes the
hook to be ripped from the killer's arm.
Beware Taco Bell
This girl was in a really big hurry one day so she stopped off at Taco Bell and
got a Chicken Soft Taco and ate it on the way home. That night she noticed her jaw was kind of tight and swollen. The next
day it was a little worse so she went to her doctor. He said she had an allergic reaction or something and gave her some cream
to rub on her jaw to help. After a couple days the swelling had just gotten worse and she could hardly move her jaw. She went
back to her doctor to see what was wrong. Her doctor had no idea so he started to run some tests. They scrubbed
out the inside of her mouth to get tissue samples and they also took some saliva samples. Well, they found out what was wrong.
Apparently her Chicken Soft Taco had a pregnant roach in it, then she ate the eggs that somehow got into her saliva glands
and well she was incubating them. They had to remove a couple of layers of her inner mouth to get all the eggs out. If they
hadn't figured out what was going on the eggs would have hatched in the lining of her mouth. She's suing Taco Bell of course.
Things Celebrities Might Have Said
Julius Caesar
Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citzenry into
a patriotic fervor, for patriotism is indeed a double-edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind.
And when the drums of war have reached a fever pitch and the blood boils with hate, and the mind has closed, the leader will
have no need in seizing the rights of the citzenry. Rather, the citzenry will be infused with fear and blinded by patriotism,
will offer up all of their rights unto the leader and gladly so. How do I know? For that is what I have done. And I am Caesar.
Janet Reno
A cultist is one who has the strong belief in the Bible and the Second Coming of
Christ who frequently attends Bible studies, who has a high level of financial giving to a Christian cause; who home schools
for their children; who has accumulated survival foods and has a strong belief in the Second Amendment; and who distrusts
big government. Any of these may qualify a person as a threat and his family as being in a risk situation that qualified for
government interference.
Monica Lewinsky
I've learned to not put things in my mouth that are bad for me.
A Close Call At The Mall
A female shopper returned to her car in the parking lot and found out that she had
a flat tire. As she was about to change it, a man in a business suit came over to her and offered to help. She accepted, and
they changed the tire together without any incident. The man asked for a ride to his car which was parked on the other side
of the mall. This made the woman uncomfortable and a little suspicious, so she politely said no. He grew insistent. Afraid
of his intentions, the woman told the man she had more shopping to do and ran back into the mall, where she reported the incident
to a security guy. Later, when she went back to her car she was accompanied by the security guy and the man was nowhere to
be found. Since the flat tire still needed to be reparied, she drove to a garage that was nearby, where a mechanic noticed
that someone had slashed the tire with a knife. It was also discovered that the man had left his briefcase in the truck. She
opened it and found some rope and a butcher knife.
Flashing Headlights
A new gang initiation has become prevelant in some cities. The hoodlums get into
a car at night and drive the highways and byways with their lights off. The first person that flashes them with their lights
becomes their prey. They pursue the person who was just trying to be friendly and they gun down the person mercilessly.
The Hare Dryer
A man walked into his garden one day to find his dog with a dirty piece of fur in
its mouth. Examination proved that the dirty piece of fur was actually a prize rabbit belonging to the neighbour. It was very
dead, though no obvious injury could be seen. The man was horrified and felt terrible. He took the rabbit inside shampooed
and blow dried it, then quickly snuck next door to put it back in the hutch before the neighbour got home. A few days went
by and he heard nothing. Then on the weekend he was talking over the fence to his neighbour, who said that a strange thing
had happened to him that week. When he came home from work one night he found his prize rabbit dead in its hutch. "Oh no,"
says the man. "How awful!" "That's not the strange part," says the neighbour. "What's weird is that it had died earlier that
morning and I buried it before going to work."
Poodle In Microwave
A friend of a friend had a grandmother who was a little bit dotty. One day Grandma
had just bathed her minature poodle, Pierre, and was about to dry him off when a towel when the phone rang. It was her daughter,
reminding her that they had arranged to meet for lunch a half hour earlier. Grandma apologized for being late and said she'd
be there as quickly as she could. As she began drying off Pierre, it dawned on her that there was a quicker way to do it the
microwave. So she put her beloved pet inside the oven, set the dial to defrost and switched it on. A half a minute later Grandma
was donning her coat to leave, she heard a muffled explosion in the kitchen. Pierre the poodle was no more.
FWD: Neiman-Marcus Cookie Recipe
This is a true story. Please forward it to everyone that you can. You will have
to read it to believe it. My daughter and I just finished a meal at Neiman-Marcus in Dallas and decided to have a small dessert.
Because both of us are such cookie lovers, we decided to try the Neiman-Marcus Cookie. It was so excellent that I asked
if they would give me the recipe and the waitress said with a frown, "I'm afraid not." "Wel" I said, "would you let me buy
the recipe?" With a cute smile she said, "YES." I asked her how much and she responded. "Only two fifty, it's a great deal!"
I said with approval, "Just add it to my tab." Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Neiman-Marcus and it was
$285.00. I looked again and remembered that I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I
glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said "Cookie Recipe $250.00." That's outrageous!!!! I called Neiman's Accounting
Department and told them that the waitress said it was "two-fifty," which clearly does not mean "two hundred and fifty dollars"
by any POSSIBLE interpretation of the phrase. Neiman-Marcus refused to budge. They would not refund my money, because according
to them, "What the waitress told you is not our problem. You have already seen the recipe we will absolutely not refund your
money at this point." I explained to her the criminal statutes which govern fraud in Texas. I threatened to refer them to
the Better Business Bureau and the State Attorney General's for engaging in fraud. I was basically told, "Do what you
want, we don't give a damn, and we're not refunding your money." I waited a moment, thinking of how I could get even or even
try to think of a way to get my money back. I just said, "Okay you folks get my $250.00, and now I'm going to have my $250.00
worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it that every cookie lover in the United States with an email account
has a $250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus for free. She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "Well you
should have thought of that before you ripped me off" and slammed down the phone on her. So, here it is!!! Please, plese,
please, please pass it on to everyone you can possibly think of. I paid $250.00 for this I don't want Neiman-Marcus to ever
get another penny off this recipe.
Recipe May Be Halved
2 cups butter
4 cups flour
2 tsp baking soda
2 cups granluated sugar
2 cups brown sugar
5 cups blended oatmeal (measure and blend in blender to a fine powder)
24 oz chocolate chips
1 tsp salt
18 oz Hershey bar (grated)
4 eggs
2 tsp baking powder
3 cups nuts (your choice)
2 tsp vanilla
Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla; mix together with flour,
oatmeal, salt, baking powder and baking soda. Add chocolate chips, Hershey bar and nuts. Roll into balls and place two inches
apart on a cookie sheet. Bake for ten minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies. Have fun.
This is not a joke. This is a true story. Ride free citizens. This isn't some stupid
chain letter either. Pass it on, if you don't you won't die or get dumped you'll just do the world an injustice. Thanks!
The Spaghetti Guy
Some guy in Detroit decided to get creative in the way he masterbated so he decided
to use a piece of spaghetti which he slipped into his penis. He forgot that uncooked spaghetti is really brittle or that with
some serious handling it would break into many pieces. This is totally true since it was written up in the American Journal
of Forensic Medical Pathology in the Sept. 1986 issue. Be warned if you try this at home make sure you cook it first so it's
nice and soft.
Tampax
A beautiful woman went grocery shopping. When she reached the checkout the clerk
who was also a woman asked, "Will there be anything else mam?" "Well, yes there is," the shopper replied. "I looked for a
box of Tampax on the shelves, but I couldn't find it." "No problem," the clerk said grabbing the store microphone. "Stock
boy," her voice boomed over the loudspeaker. We need a box of Tampax at Register Three." The woman grew embarrassed waiting,
as all the other shoppers were looking at her, smiling. In the back room, two stock boys were working, listening to the announcement.
"What do they want?" the first stock boy who had just entered said. The first stock boy grabbed his own microphone and boomed
his message over the loudspeaker. "Do you want the kind that you push in with your finger, or the kind you pound in with a
hammer?" The shopper fled the store without waiting for an explanation.
