Warrior Babes The Second

Xena Warrior Princess Exposed!


Exclusive By Nigel
Nigel: Here's Xena now. I think we're just gonna go over and talk to her.
Nigel: Xena would you care to tell me why you returned to the Norse Lands at this time? You realize Odin has vowed to kill you should you return to Valhalla. Would you care to comment on that threat?
Nigel: Xena Warrior Princess to many she's seen as a saviror a protector of the downtrodden and the innocent. Others however see her as nothing more than a butcher her hands stained with the blood of hundreds no thousands of innocent people. Which is it? Tonight we put that question to the legendary woman herself.
Nigel: Xena welcome and also with us this evening Gabrielle the Battling Bard of Potedia Xena's constant traveling companion and the chronicler of her deeds. Glad you could make it.
Gabrielel: Thank you it's um it's good to be here.
Nigel: Good. Xena first to you. You don't have exactly the greatest reputation here among the Norsemen. As a Valkyrie you used Odin's runes to visit a reign of terror on the people in this land.
Gabrielle: Everyone's seen the tapestry.
Xena: That was a long time ago.
Nigel: So why come back now? There's no love lost between you and Odin?
Xena: Ah but that's just it that's exactly why Gabrielle and I returned...
Nigel: You betrayed Odin didn't you turning his lover if you will Grinhilda into a hideous monster.
Gabrielle: Yeah but Xena changed her back.
Nigel: But not before the shebeast and her son Grendal sent many a Viking warrior to Valhalla.
Xena: Is there a question in there somewhere?
Nigel: Xena is it your intention to kill Odin and have yourself proclaimed a God in his place?
Gabrielle: What?
Xena: Crazy.
Nigel: Do you deny you stole the rheingold?
Xena: No.
Nigel: And forged that into a ring which gave you the power of a God?
Xena: I gave back the rheingold you can ask the rhein maidens.
Nigel: What about the Olympian Gods you destroyed them also didn't you?
Xena: Not all of them.
Gabrielle: Oh see they were trying to kill her daughter.
Nigel: Ah a daughter who was following very successfully in her mother's bloody footsteps.
Do your homework Nigel when the Gods were killed by Xena her daughter was just a baby at the time.
Xena: Now just a doggone minute.
Nigel: Xena do you still have the power to kill a God.
Xena: I got the power to kill much lower forms of life than that.
Nigel: What's the matter Xena uncomfortable with the truth?
Xena: The truth? You know what you wouldn't know the truth if it grew fangs and bit you on the...
Gabrielle: Actually uh this interview is over.
Nigel: Come on Xena why don't you just admit it you always lusted to ohave the power of a God and now you're here to kill Odin isn't that right Xena? You're here to kill Odin! I think that was good had her on the ropes.

Nigel: Xena's protestations of innocence aside Odin would do well to fear her considreing the fate of many others who have crossed her in the past and ended up here on the shores of the River Styx in Hades.
Charon: I can't deny Xena's been good for my business wouldn't mind a vacation but hey it's better to be working than not working right?
Nigel: Of course it is. What you're saying is that most of these passengers are here because of Xena?
Charon: Raw numbers nah just a drop in the bucket but Xena has sent me some heavy hitters Elenis of Mycenia, Valasca, Mark Antony, Callisto. You could even make a case for Caesar himself. See these people did not lose their mortal coils without a fight. Unlike this guy who's just been asking for a one way ticket to the Underworld if you ask me.
Caligula: Is this gonna take long though 'cause I've been waiting for this stupid barge and that boat man I've been bumped twice already. Peon! Damn arrogant ass. Does he know who I am?
Nigel: It'll only take a moment. I wanted to ask you a few questions about Xena.
Caligula: Xena Ya just want to ask me about Xena? Fine I'll tell you. She's a snake a treacherous deceiver like the rest of her sex. Never turn your back on her. And that bard of her yeah like we don't know what's gonna on there huh. They want you to think that Xena fights for honor.
Nigel: And she doesn't?
Caligula: Look I've spilled enough blood in my day to know why anyone does it. It's the scent of it, the taste, the thrill. Xena's no different. I'll show you. Hey you there who killed you?
Dead Guy: You did begging your pardon I think you were drunk. You slit me open from ear...
Caligula: Get your hands of me I'm in the middle of an interview you impudent cur. Xena's evil. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I was a God a living God and that bitch took me out.
Charon: Just one more thing I would like to say at least Xena pays her fare unlike another so called superhero more like super cheapskate that's right I'm talking about you Hercules.
Nigel: I was a God a living God and that bitch took me out.
Nigel: Odin declined an interview for this story but a source within Valhalla did agree to speak with us on a condition of strict anonymity. Well I understand that you're masking your identity in a magic cloack of invisibility.
Odin: That is correct.
Nigel: And that you understand what Xena wants here?
Odin: Oh I know all right. Apples.
Nigel: Excuse me you said apples?
Odin: What are you deaf? She wants the golden apples.
Nigel: Ah I understand. The golden apples protected by Frigga Odin's sister-in-law. It is rumoured that whomever eats the golden apple will become a God themselves.
Odin: That's right. Xena wants to be a God. Goddess. Whatever!
Nigel: Before we get into that you claimed to have masked your identity in a magic cloak of invisibility but isn't it true that only Odin himesle knows the mystic runes whereby he can make himself invisible?
Odin: Damn it. Look I don't mind if you know it's me. I just want to appeal to all loyal Norsemen to do whatever they can to stop Xena from getting in Valhalla and stealing the golden apples.
Nigel: Why does she want to steal the golden apples?
Odin: So she can become a God! Look she'll return Ares to Oympus who'll in exchange will make her his Queen.
Nigel: But surely Ares and Xena have an adversarial history?
Odin: You buy that do you huh? You would. Did you ever stop to think why Xena didn't kill Ares when she had a chance hmm? It's because she's got a thing for him she's always had a thing for him. So Xena's gonna be a God or Goddess or whatever well it's not gonna happen ya hear me Xena? You stay away from Valhalla or you know what's gonna happen to you. You'll never be a God Xena.
Nigel: We are witnessing an epic struggle here on the one hand Odin and his precious golden apples and on the other Xena seemingly determined to possess them for herself. But why? Gabrielle. Gabrielle. Gabrielle can you tell me if there is a sexual relationship going on between Ares and Xena? Is Xena Ares love slave?
Gabrielle's response is to smack the reporter around and pushing him facedown into the mud.
Nigel: But there was one other person who could shed some light on the twisted codependent relationship between the Warrior Princess and the God of War?
Nigel: There's definetely somebody in there.
Ares: What do ya want I'm busy?
Nigel: Are you Ares the former God of War?
Ares: Who wants to know?
Nigel: We're here asking a few questions about Xena. Why does she want to steal the golden apples?
Ares: I got nothing to say about Xena.
Nigel: Odin believes it's because she wants to restore you to Olympus.
Ares: That'd be damn nice. As you can see I haven't exactly got the hang of this whole mortal gig but let me make it straight Xena owes me nothing.
Nigel: According to Odin you and she have cut a deal whereby she will reign by your side as your Queen.
Ares: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Xena's had plenty of opportunities to be my Queen frankly the job doesn't impress her.
Nigel: Have you spoken with Xena recently?
Ares: Listen buddy I wasn't the only God sent down from Olympus why ya buggin' me?
Nigel: Are you saying that there are other Gods who survived Xena's attack? Wait a minute who's that? Can I? I think we I'm gonna go in here.

Ares: All right ya happy you see what the God of War's come to well have a good look laugh it up.
Nigel: Xena I was right you and Ares are plotting together.
Xena: Stay out of my business Nigel.
Nigel: Xena are you in love with Ares?
The reporter was tossed from Ares's place without getting an answer.
Nigel: Do you think Odin has anything to fear from Xena?
Michael: Let me put it this way if it were my tailfeathers on the line I wouldn't trust Xena.
Nigel: That's not a very charitable attitude coming from an angel.
Michael: Archangel.
Nigel: Archangel. Sorry. Surely as an archangel you are a creature of light ethereal and pure isn't it your job to believe in the essential goodness of men?
Michael: Please we help mankind to strive to achieve goodness but we're not stupid. Mankind has free will and Xena she exercises her's with abandon.
Nigel: Would you care to give us an example?
Michael: She puts her own self interest ahead of the greater good. Did you know she risked unleashing Hell on Earth to protect her own daughter?
Nigel: But then surely she prevented that by kililng Mephestophiles on Earth?
Michael: And by doing that she fated herself to take his place in Hell.
Nigel: Which she did not.
Michael: Get this she cast one of our own Archangel Lucifer down into Hell to take her place.
N: Xena corrupted an angel?
Michael: Archangel! Now if she's capable of doing that of seducing an archangel into assuming the throne of Hell you tell me who wouldn't she be willing to screw over?
Nigel: Who indeed.
Next Stop Hell
Nigel: Hello I'm here in Hell and I'm about to do what no other reporter has ever done before. I'm going to interview Lucier. Excuse me sir sir um Horned One is it true that you are the Prince of Darkness?
Lucifer: What are you?
Nigel: Please try not to avoid the question. The public want the truth a portrait of the real demon beyond the myth.
Lucifer: The real demon?
Nigel: Please try not to cover anything up.
Lucifer: Cover anything up I'm the Devil you idiot I'm really bad. I'm Evil Incarnate. What do I have to cover up?
Nigel: You have a point there.
Lucifer: What are you doing here anyway? Are ya one of mine?
Nigel: No, no, no, no not at all no I'm part of a journalistic investigation an investigation of Xena.
Lucifer: Xena! You dare mention her name in my kingdom!
Nigel: So you're you're not a fan of the Warrior Princess?
Lucifer: Let me ask you something do I look like a guy who enjoys his present position? Do you think I asked for this gig? I should be an archangel on the way up and then she came along.
Nigel: So you're confirming the reports that Xena in order to avoid her own responsibilities in Hell fooled an archangel into assuming the throne of the underworld?
Lucifer: She'll defend herself saying my pride and ambition brought me down but I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her lies and deceit.
Nigel: Then you believe the word of Xena is not to be trusted?
Lucifer: She's a lying sack! Oh wish I could get her down here mete out some serious everylasting punishment.
Nigel: Well that's not an impossible dream given Xena's exploits on Earth. I'm sure that she's bought herself a one way ticket to Hell.
Lucifer: I wish but all her dogooding I fear she's escaped my wrath.
Nigel: In a sense you're defending her character which of course is what Satan would be try to defend one of his own demons on Earth.
Lucifer: And you're a real pain. I can't wait to get you down here.
Nigel: With respect sir uh that's not gonna happen you see I'm not a murdering warlord. No, no, no I'm an award winning investigative journalist. I'm a member of the fifth estate.
Lucifer: Like I said I can't wait to get my claws into you.
Nigel: And so we can conclude a rather disturbing interview with the Prince of Darkness.
Nigel: Excuse me are you Eve?
Eve: Do you wish to join our prayer circle?
Nigel: Not today thanks. I'd like to ask you a couple of questions about your mother Xena.
Eve: Whatever you wish to know my Mother can answer for herself excuse us.
Nigel: It's just a few questions. Is Xena trying to make herself into a God?
Eve: There's only one God the God of Eli. He teaches us to walk the Path of Love.
Nigel: I see. And does you Mother walk the Path of Love?
Eve: My Mother respects our faith she would do nothing to offend it.
Nigel: Not even for Ares?
Eve: What about Ares?
Nigel: Xena wants to restore him to Olympus she's cut a deal to rule with him at his side.
Eve: The time of the many Gods is past.
Nigel: Then why is Xena trying to steal the golden apples and why is she shacked up with Ares? Did you know that? That's the same Ares that killed Eli while your Mother stood by and did nothing.
Sloppy on the homework Nigel Xena wasn't around when Ares killed Eli it was actually Gabby that stood around and did nothing because that's what he asked her to do.

Eve: You want to know about my Mother I wll tell you about my Mother! You little shit! If my Mother is with Ares you can bet she's got a pretty fucking good reason.
Nigel: Are you still jealous that Ares was obsessed with your Mother the entire time he was sleeping with you.
Eve: You fucking prick! Stay the hell away from my Mother! Stay the fuck away from me or I will kick your fucking ass.
Nigel: Not the kind of words you'd expect to hear from Eve the Messenger of Eli. Whatever happened to walking the Path of Light Eve?
Eve: Fuck off!
Nigel: You want your Mother on Olympus don't you? You want to see the God of War put back on his throne so that you and Xena and Ares can continue your bloody menage a toie.
Eve's response: Punched Nigel and sent him falling back onto his ass.
Nigel: A shocking display from the Messenger of Eli but not so shocking perhaps coming from the daughter of Xena. For Xena provokes strong emotions among those who cross her path feelings of intense fear and hatred among her enemies and equally intense feelings among her friends. It is perhaps this loyalty that brings the person sitting opposite me this evening into the stuido. Gabrielle thank you for talking with us.
Gabrielle: You you're welcome don't thank me I'm here to tell you that you're wrong about Xena.
Nigel: Wrong in what way?
Gabrielle: In every way. Xena you know you make it sound like Ares and Xena have this conspiracy to try to rule the world.
Nigel: But they don't
Gabrielle: No, no Xena wants to save the world that's why she needs the golden apples.
Nigel: And I suppose that Ares wants to save the world also?
Gabrielle: It's hard to explain he...
Nigel: Maybe it's not so hard Gabrielle maybe it's quite simple. Maybe it's not Xena's lust for war that drives her but Xena's lust for the God of War?
Gabrielle: Xena doesn't lust after Ares.
Nigel: Gabrielel kindly direct your attention to the monitor.
Gabrielle: So they have history. Doesn't mean anything.
Nigel: Gabrielle isn't it possible that you're confused by your own feelings for Xena?
Gabrielle: By my feelings for Xena?
Nigel: Come on Gabrielel I know that Xena is more to you than just a friend.
Gabrielle: Ok you're right she's she's my best friend.
Nigel: What would you say Gabrielle if I told you that not too long ago I found your friend Xena in a tumble down little love shack at the edge of town in the arms of Ares? How do you feel about that Gabrielle?
Gabrielle: I don't know how I feel.
Nigel: Tell us all the truth. You are Xena re lovers aren't you? Or should I say you were lovers until you were replaced by Ares. Gabrielle?
Gabrielle: I
Nigel: Gabrielle are you in love with Xena?
Gabrielle: I don't love Xena.
Nigel: Wait you mean you don't love Xena?
Xena: Closed set my butt!
Nigel: Xena are you in love with Gabrielle?
Xena: Got some big pair on ya mister.
Nigel: Hey I'm just doing my job.
Xena: And I'm just doing mine.
The reporter at this time gets the pinch.
Xena: You want to know if I love Gabrille well let me ask you a question do yo love anybody? Do ya love your wife? Do ya love your dog? Do ya love yourself? Is there anyone in this world that you love with all your heart? There isn't is there? Because you can't love none of us can. The world has lost the greatest gift the Gods ever gave us and I'm gonna get it back. That's your story. Ya hear me Odin I'm coming for ya!

Nigel: A world without love. A world where the skills of the delicious Goddess no longer lilfe us to heights of almost intolerable pleasure. Well anything is possible but surely, surely the truth is that the is that both Xena and Ares are both plotting to divert this reporter from getting to the truth so we've decided...So we've decided to come to the one place where love is rarely in short supply.
Nigel: Hi there I wonder if we might have a word?
Tavern Owner: Well what'll it be today? we're running a special on a little number we call Thor's Hammer or for a bit extra you can get the Ride of the Valkcryies.
Nigel: Well us business appears to be booming.
Tavern Owner: Well look around my boys know where to dock their long boats. If you catch my drift.
Nigel: So you would say that there's been no sudden shortage of love in the world?
Tavern Owner: Oh I didn't say that now.
Nigel: You said business was booming.
Tavern Owner: My business has never beenabout love. If these boys were looking for love they'd be wooing their sweethearts or at home with their wives. The less love I have to deal with the fatter my purse.
Nigel: We've Ares the former God of War half naked and stinking of booze in a bordello.
Nigel: As news of our investigation has begun to spread we've been contacted by a source who claims to have some answers.
Nigel: Who are you?
Grinhilda: That's not important. What I have to do is. You're following the wrong story.
Nigel: What do you mean?
Grinhilda: Xena's trying to put a God back on Olympus all right but not the one you think.
Nigel: But which GOd?
Grinhilda: You'll have to find that out yourself. I'm in great danger if Odin discovers I have betrayed him...
Nigel: All right here's what I'll do. I'll mention each God by name and then I will count five seconds if within that period you fail to respon I'll assume the answer is yes understand?
Grinhilda: Five seconds what?
Nigel: Ok I'm counting. Ah right. Hades. One hippopatamus two hippotatmus three hippopatamus four....
Grinhilda: Forget it I don't have time for this.
Nigel: Wait! If Ares and Xena aren't conspiring then what are they doing together?
Grinhilda: This isn't about Xena and Ares. Xena will play whatever card she needs to, to get what she desires.
Nigel: What if she desires to be a Goddess?
Grinhilda: Fool! Xena doesn't want to rule the world she wants to save it.
Nigel: How can you be so sure?
Grinhilda: Because she saved me.
Nigel: Wait where do I go from here?
Grinhilda: Follow the love.
Nigel: Follow the love.
Nigel: Follow the love a bizarre command in a world seemingly devoid of love. Yet something has brought these desperate people to this place in the hope that here they will find whatever is missing in their lives. They too are responding to the unspoken comman to follow the love.
Nigel: May I ask you a few questions? Aprodite?
Aphrodite: Hello there.
Nigel: I'm here with Aphrodite the former Goddess of Love. Aphrodite forgive me but didn't you completely lose your mind after what happened with Caligula.
Aphrodite: Oh yeah I did but Xena pulled me out of my madness and gave me back my life. If you can call this earthbound existence living destined to grow old and wrinkled and saggy.
Nigel: Aphrodite these people what are they all doing here?
Aphrodite: Can you see this?
Nigel: What?
Aphrodite: This live how can you not see it my face looks like a Roman road map.
Nigel: Well I can hardly see it.
Aphrodite: You can see it!
Nigel: No, no. Uh Aphrodite these what what is it they want?
Aphrodite: Oh well when I left Olympus the world was full of my love but with me no longer there to replenish it it's just faded away. Squandered by those who fail to see how precious it was and spurned by others who thouht they didn't need it and now it's all gone. Poof.
Nigel: Poof indeed. But how can we not have noticed?
Aphrodite: You mortals take love for granted it slipped through your fingers so subltely no one even noticed it was gone. Except for these few who are still drawn to me from the last breath of love that still clings to me but soon there won't even be that.
Nigel: Aphrodite is there nothing that you can do?
Aphrodite: As a mortal no. My powers are tied to Olympus and there is no way for me to get back there Xena made sure of that.
Nigel: We're here before the walls of Valhalla Xena just entered minutes ago. You can hear the sounds of an epic struggle as Xena possibly the greatest human warrior in the history of the world battles with Odin King of the Norse Gods. Xena is attempting to wrestle the golden apples from Odin but the question still remains should she succeed in getting these apples on whom will she bestow the gift of Godhood? Wait something something appears to be happening inside Valhalla.
Nigel: Xena you're not gonna eat that apple are you?
Xena: Why ever not?
Nigel: Because you don't plan to install yourself as a Goddess on Olympus. No your plan is to bring love back into the world. That apple is for Aphrodite isn't it?
Xena: Give this apple and bring love back into the world that's a novel and very unselfish idea it's not something the Xena you know would do.
Nigel: Maybe before I was reporting on the wrong Xena, Xena.
Xena: Maybe.
Nigel: I knew it you were in this for yourself all along.
This reporter was proved wrong when not only Ares but Aphrodite both got golden apples to restore them and to keep a balance in the world.
Grinhilda: Xena saved me you know she changed me back from that horrible creature I'd become.
Nigel: This would be the horrible creature that she turned you into in the first place?
Grinhilda: That was a different Xena that dark evil Xena but the real Xena restored me to my human form and returned me to Valhalla. And she asked me to unmake the legacy of bloodshed she herself had left for Odin's people.
Nigel: When Ares was expelled from Olympus that must have made your job a lot easier? Why did Xena send him back?
Xena: You know why 'cause uh you can't have love without hate. Youc an't have peace without violence. And you certainly can't have forgiveness without anger. I knew I couldn't just send Aphrodite back to Olympus without Ares it would have thrown the whole world out of balance.
Grinhilda: It is my peoples lust for living that makes us who we are. With two competing forces their fiercness and their passion that defines us Xena knew that. So I sent you after Aphrodite while I rounded up Ares.
Nigel: Wait a minute you sent me after Aphrodite?
Grinhilda: Follow the love.
Nigel: You're the mysterious voice in the cave?
Grinhilda: Xena wanted you out of her hair for a while she figured she might as well put you to work getting Aphrodite for her. I have to go Odin's still pretty sore at me.
Ares: Do I think she did it because of how she feels about me? No I mean don't get me wrong there are sparks. You can see that right? No she pretty much did it for the reason she always does redeeming herself for her evil past. Oh I killed so many people the pain the pain. My offer was genuine there is a place for her here. It's not what it used to be though. Ok chuckles let's cut it. Ok out of here. Do not make me zap you.
Nigel: Gabrielle, Xena I have only one more question left. A question that Gabrielle has been avoiding all evening. The question that has never ever been answered. Are you two lovers?
Xena: You're asking?
Nigel: That's right I'm asking are you two lovers?
Xena: That's none of your beeswax Nigel.
Nigel: And now ladies and gentlement a world exclusive for the first time anywhere Xena and Gabrielle reveal the true nature of their relationship. Gabrielle, Xena are you two lovers?
Xena: Want the truth?
Nigel: That's right Xena we want the truth. The whole world wants the truth.
Xena: It's like this technically...
Due to a dead battery this question will remain a mystery throughout the ages.