Running With The Devil
By William Miller
Wow we thought we'd never find you. Thanks so much for taking time to talk with us.
D'Hoffyrn: Not a problem. I'm all about the fans.
What have you been up to since we've last seen you?
D'Hoffyrn: A lot of nothing to be honest. Some supermarket openings. A few convention appearances. I'm guest hosting on Talk Soup next month. And I'm doing some dubbing work for Digimon's so that keep's me busy.
Wow. That's surprising. So your profile hasn't been raised in the demon community since your appearance on the show?
D'Hoffyrn: Y'know love it, or hate it, television is still the best way to reach a lot of people. The appearances have definetely raised my Q rating.
What's a Q rating?
D'Hoffryn: Exactly, my friend. Exactly. Hollywood hasn't exactly been beating down the extradimensional walls.
That sounds pretty depressing.
D'Hoffryn: It's not that bad. I'm fielding a few offers but most of it is that reality based television crap. They want to host this Survivor spinoff set in Hell, but I dunno. Why would anyone care? I live for the work y'know? Everything else is distraction.
Right. What attracted you to Willow as a good potential vengeance demon?
D'Hoffryn: Good question. She's so cute that I hoped that no one would ever suspect the magnitude of her power. She seemed pretty steamed when I first recruited her, but she's gone soft again and that's a little disappointing. Sadly, love kills vengeance, which is why I live alone. The offer is still on the table, however.
How did Anya rank among the vengeance demons you've worked with?
D'Hoffryn: She was really great to work with actually. A lot of times you give these demons an inch, and they take a mile. But not her. Always professional, punctual, the whole bit. Those were the good times.
Why won't you give Anya back her powers?
D'Hoffryn: It's a complicated issue. Let's just say unions are involved and well you don't cross the unions get what I'm saying?
Understood. Have there been any famous women throughout history who were actually vengeance demons?
D'Hoffryn: Oprah's been an esquisited vengeance demon. Never in my wildest dreams did I think one woman could make so many miserable with all that 'getting to know your spirit' mumbo jumbo. Also, the Olsen twins. Remarkable.
What's the most nasty vengeance punishment you've ever dished out?
D'Hoffryn: My favorites have always been more subtle. Let's just say that when Hillary gets the keys to the Oval Office, my greatest revenge will be complete.
Is Alanis Morrisette a vengeance demon?
D'Hoffryn: Well, duh.
Enough of this supernatural nonsense, let's get real for a minute. If you weren't spending an eternity as a chaos demon, what would you be doing with your life?
D'Hoffryn: My mother wanted me to be a rabbi. I considered going into real estate for a while and I used to deejay.
Deejay? Really? Okay floor filler.
D'Hoffryn: The Charlie Daniels Band. Man I haven't heard that song for years I sorta fell into this demon thing and I haven't looked back.
Other than vengeance, what is D'Hoffryn all about?
D'Hoffryn: Honesty. Passion. Hair care products. I'm kidding on that last one.
What's it like in that empty dimension where you live? Are there any movie theaters or hot dog stands or anything?
D'Hoffryn: It's kinda boring but not too bad. Eating is a big problem. There's a really great Thai place about two blocks away, but other than that you're looking at a three hundred year cab ride to get to anything decent.
What do you and those other demons talk about all day and night, for eternity?
D'Hoffryn: Lately we've been working on a suitable punishment for nosey reporters. Hey, where are you going? It's a joke. I kid because I'm a kidder.
Whispers From The Moon
By Barbara Demond
Thank you for taking the time to talk to me. Before we get started would you care for some blood?
Dru: Well you do have a lovely neck just ripe for the biting.
Dru I wasn't offering my neck since it would be a bit hard to get through an interview if I was all dead. I just meant that I paid a visit to the blood bank and picked up a few packets of blood. I could pop some into the microwave for you.
Dru: Now aren't you a sweet one. Yes I'd love some blood all warm and bubbling to fill up my tummy.
So how are you these days or I guess I should say nights without Spike by your side?
Dru: My dear boy is gone forever and the moon told me that he's lost to me forever. No more family just me and Miss Edith. Daddy is brimming with goodness and Spike has been infected too. Loving the Slayer and stealing my playmates away. All alone with the worms that wriggle and the stars laugh and bleed throughout the day?
So are you seeing anyone special?
Dru: No but I am looking for someone special to give my eternal kiss to. There aren't too many brave knights in the land nowadays. Do you know of anyone perhaps?
Sorry Dru but I'm on the lookout too. It is so hard to find a good man I agree but I tend to prefer an alive one instead of a dead one although I'm open since I must admit that I wouldn't kick Angel or Spike for that matter out of my bed.
Dru: How about we look together? How do you feel about eternal life? If you're dead too you won't mind having a dead love to spend eternity with. We could be a family with you as my daughter. We could be two girls on the prowl out to have a spot of fun.
Gee that's really sweet but I'm not sure that I like the idea of being around for an eternity. It sounds like a lonely existence and all that death.
Dru: Oh my sweet you're making me all hungry with your talk. Wouldn't it be just delicious to kill and maim and strike terror into hearts and pluck out hearts and other wicked things?
Hey no vamp face Dru. I told you that no biting was allowed.
The interview came to a screeching halt when Dru decided to snack on the interviewer. Luckily only a pint of blood or so was drained before Dru was pulled off. She left me with a scar to remember her by now wasn't that sweet of her? I don't think I'll be talking to that girl again anytime soon at least not alone.
The Vampire With A Soul
By Barbara Desmond
Angel thank you for granting me this interview. You are a most unique vampire since you were cursed with a soul. Being familiar with your history in an ironic twist of fate of becoming a vampire and being cursed turned you into a better man in a strange way.
Angel: Well I do have a purpose which I didn't have when I was human. I wasted my human life with drinking and whores. I never thought of my life until it was too much late although there may now a light at the end of a very long tunnel.
Oh do you mean that prophecy that Wesley found about Shanshuing?
Angel: Yeah that gives me hope but it's not like I'm getting any older so I'll continue what I'm doing. I'm probably the only person in LA that looks forward to growing old.
Well it must be hard to care about people only to have them grow old and die on you and you remain the same.
Angel: Yeah immortality can suck but there are some advantages since you get to watch the evolution of things and the inventions are just amazing. So many things available now that weren't before.
A very reliable source told me that you gave up your chance to be mortal and with the love of your life Buffy.
Angel: I have the memory of that one perfect day when I got to go out into the sunlight. It will always live in my memory but I knew that I couldn't take that gift even though I was tempted. I couldn't bear the thought of being responsible for Buffy's death because I couldn't properly defend myself and she was worrying about me. I have so much to make up for but I'm going to keep trying.
Well you've done a lot of good so I'm confident you'll earn your chance to become human. You recently made another major sacrifice in giving up you son. That was such a loving and selfless thing to do.
Angel: It just broke my heart to see the life go out of him and just seeing him give up on life. So much was stolen from Connor so I gave him what he wanted most in the world and what I couldn't give him being his father. I can at least take some comfort in sparing him all that pain. I'll be able to check on him and watch him from a distance. This was for the best and anyway it's about time that the evil law firm did something good for a change.
So what are your thoughts about Buffy and Spike? Maybe I shouldn't ask just tell me to shut up if it's too painful.
Angel: Well I don't really know what to think since I haven't been around but it's strange to say the least. I mean this guy actually got his soul back on purpose and gave his life to save the world so he was obviously a very different man from the one I knew. I guess I don't know what to think but I'm grateful for his sacrifice since he saved us all and Buffy as well and the world continues to turn and I continue to help in whatever way I can.
