Stardom Here I Come
And you know, they asked me to come read for a third time. I'm an actress. I don't put up with things like that.
To become what you want you have to play the part as if it's already yours.
Know The Right People
Well I better get mingly. I really should be talking to people that are somebody. But it was fun.
It's fun to catch up with people from the past but to live in the now you really need to cozy up to that director guy that can set me on my path to inevitable stardom.
Power Of Positive Thinking
I am somebody. I matter. People will be attracted to my positive energy and help me achieve my goals. I am right where I'm supposed to be and not dying for something to eat.
It's a long and bitter path and every artist must suffer for their art but not to much hopefully.
Another Life
I grew up in a nice home. It wasn't like this but we did ahve a room or two that we didn't even know what they were for. Until the I.R.S. got all huffy about my folks not paying their taxes for, well, ever. They took it all.
Oh the horror for the daughter to pay for the sins of her parents and get booted out of a nice home along with all the things that I'm entitled to.
Finally I thought I was going to faint while barfing.
Digging out a bullet even out of a vampire can be truly disgusting and requires a iron stomach.
Oh the things you do when someone saves your life.
Taking Charge
Ok, first thing, we need to call an exterminator. And a sign painter. We should have a name on the door. Well, Doyle filled me in on your little mission so I was just saying that if we're going to be helping people out, maybe a small charge. A fee. You know, something to help pay the rend and my salary. You need someone to organize things and you're not exactly rolling in it Mr. I Was Alive For 200 Years And Never Developed An Investment Portfolio.
One needs to take charge and get some money out of the deal so I can pay for my crappy apartment and actually have food on a regular basis and other necessities like clothes and shoes.
But sooner or later we are going to help some rich people right?
Sure poor people get in trouble but rich people aren't immune to the whole trouble thing which is an advantage since they can afford to pay.
Need For A Plan
So I figured that we should charge based on a case by case analysis but with me working for a flat fee.
Make sure that I at least get a regular salary even if the boss doesn't.
It's not like he needs the money as much as I do since he doesn't eat well except for pig's blood which is way cheaper than what my needs are.
Of course this is just temporary until my inevitable stardom takes effect.
It is good to help out a friend for a little while at least since it helps me at the same time.
You Gotta Have A Card
Hi. Being harasssed by someone or something? Dial us up day or night.
Hey, you look troubled. Or is that just your lazy eye? Anyway, call us. We're very discreet.
Be kind to the potential people in need since it could lead to money pouring in or at least trickling in.
Insight Into People
Excuse me but I am an actress a student of the human animal. I don't have to talk to people to know their story. Jazzy hands over there? Mama's boy. Peter Pan complex. Self-absorbed closet deb with a big old "the world owes me" chip on her shoulder. And check out Sarah, plain and tall. Has or comes from big money. You gotta be rich to snag the Calvin Klein model she's leaving with.
Visions
If that was my gift I'd return it. Humph. I mean you get these headaches and then you do this bleh thing with your face. Plus, your visons are kind of lame. A bar? That's nice and vague. I mean they should send you one of those self-destructing tapes you know that comes with a dossier.
Socializing may be brutal but it's a necessary evil if you want to live in the world.
High School And Knowing Your Place
Yeah, like high school. It's easy to date there. I mean we all had so much in common. Being monster food every other week, for instance.
Single Life And The Curse
I guess the single life's particularly tough on you. Well a couple hundred years ago the only thing you had to worry about was a hangover. Today, 'cause of your curse thingy you can't sleep with anyone or else you might feel a moment of true happiness and lose your soul, become evil again and kill everyone.
It helps a person out to put things in perspective so there are no surprises.
Hey, the last thing I want is to show up at the office and find that I am working for a homicidal monster.
Grossness Of Demons
This demon wears a wreath of intestines around its head. I mean, honestly what kind of statement is this thing trying to make?
Fashion can be seriously abused by those who have no sense of style.
I've known a lot of demons and slime aside not a lot going on there.
So High School
Cordelia wears bras. Ooh, she has girl parts.
Things Not Turning Out Right
Is it my fault that maid service was interrupted? It was supposed to go home, hotel, hotel, husband.
Paying Your Bill
But she has to pay. Invoice. That's the rule of our whole, like society.
Getting A Date
And an alternate reality in which you're Matthew McConaughey.
Introductions
Oh, this is Dooyle. He, air quote, works here.
Buffy
What, still the brave little Slayer or is she moping around in the dark like nobody around here?
Some people seem to thrive on misery but I'm not one of them.
Always Time To Celebrate
He'd celebrate the opening of a mailbox with a drink down at the pub.
Sound Advice
I think the trick is laying off the ale before you start quoting Angela's Ashes and weeping like a baby man?
There is a time and place for a guy to cry and getting drunk is not one of them.
Read The Book
But I doubt very much that the main characters are Betty and Barney Rubble as you so vehemently insisted last night. Also, I don't think Oz appreciated being called my little Bamm-Bamm all night.
Save the pet names for the person you're dating not a virtual stranger and one who has a girlfriend.
Nicknames
Frankie Tripod? Oh, I get it. Some kind of three legged monster, right?
Sometimes I don't want to know the answer like with that Tripod guy which is like a serious EWWW thought.
Too Messy For Comfort
Please, I couldn't get comfortable here if the floor was lined with mink.
A clean house is a comfy house.
It smells like bong water in here.
Try having some air freshner handy to get rid of that nasty stench in the air.
You Break It You Bought It
When you're through giving the place the full Johnny Depp-over I hope you have the cash to pay for all of this.
Hiding Places
Drat! It's not in the freezer and it's not in the toilet tank. In the movies it's always in one of those places.
I could hug you. You're not that lucky. Now, come on.
Ringless In Daylight
So you can do what? It's daylight and you're ringless. Unless you're changing the act to human torch I don't think so.
Saving The Scouts
Go! Run! Move you little Scout legs. Now! Go!
Sometimes you have to yell to get your point across since there's a vampire that likes children too much just won't cut it.
Running A Business
This is a business and we need to start running it like one. We should start charging. I know Angel's been working day and night to help people fight their personal demons but I need a raise. A month. And I have needs. A person needs certain designer things.
I am one of the helpless too you know which means I need help in the way of money so I can buy some nice things since it's not fun to browse the Penny Saver for bargains.
Creativity
Last week's coffee. Think of it as expresso.
Then get over it! I mean that in a sensitive way.
Fashion Advice For Vampires
Well, as vampires go, you're pretty cuddly. Maybe you might want to think about mixing up the black on black look.
When she hires us, I'll get involved.
I will stay in the background until there is money involved.
Doyle Smart?
You're a lot smarterr than you look. Of coruse you look like a retard.
I guess you can't equate looks with a person's intelligence since even a homely fellow can have some smarts.
Dr Ronald Meltzer
He helped you. You felt obligated. Plus, a doctor.
Big time. And for a reasonable fee.
Always here to help in a good cause as long as I get paid for it.
Doctors
Can you imagine? A doctor. They examine your body. They know every inch of you. Ughh!
I won't look at doctors the same as I did before after seeing this one go all to pieces.
Going Undercover
Well, um, our readers at the, uh Journal of Diagnositic Orthopae etcetera, seem endlessly fasnicated by him.
One must get creative when going undercover which means coming up with stuff on the spot so I can get the goods on the bad guy.
Insight
Oh, what a fun date you must've been back in your bad vamp days. On the other hand it should give yo some insight into the jerks of the world.
Look on the bright side since the evil thing can really help when helping the helpless.
So the guy is now Joe Recluse because he had a mental breakdown. Well I don't blame him with that creepy guy and what he can do that would send anyone screaming back into their house.
Steel Boxes
Oh. For packing up people parts. You knw this job don't get me wrong I'm grateful to have it. God knows it's educational. But sometimes...
I should get a raise for hearing some of the stuff I hear not to mention the stuff I see.
Dating
What's the point? No. I mean of ever going out with anyone. Either you like them and they don't like you or you can't stand them which just guarantees that they're gonna hover around and never go away. I mean, it is just so unfair. I mean, this poor girl, she hooks up with a doctor. That should be a good thing. You should be able to call home and say, "Mom, guess what. I met a doctor." Not, "Guess what I met a psycho who's stalking me oh, by the way, his hands and feet come off and he's not even in the circus.
What if Dr. Chop Salad shows up before he does?
You have to be prepared for everything even a guy who can take his parts off.
Recycling
Oh, goodie. Recycled coffee, my personal favorite.
Go USA!
See? You save a damsel and make decent money. Is this a great country or what?
If I hit you in the head would you have a vision?
Acting And The Audition
I've had it with these cheap trash bads. They leak and break and end up costing us more. Yeah. It was a great audition. I was all about things leaking. How could they not pick me? They gave it to a blonde who showed up in a skin tight leather cat suit. She's supposed to be a housewife. She looked ridiculous. She looked like Catwoman taking out the cat trash.
Why must a blonde step on my path to fame?
Dodging Aura
Um, not just yet. She's just gonna ask me about where I'm living and how the acting is going and I'm just not up for leading the parade of pain. I'll do it when things are better.
The beauty of answering machines means I can dodge people until I'm ready to talk since I don't want to talk about my lousy apartment and things aren't so great right now.
Staying At Doyle's
Well, stranger things have happened. No, wait, they really haven't.
Brown Water And Roaches
It's so bad when the faucet is turned on and brown water comes pouring out spilling on my shirt only to have a graveyard of bugs all over the place which sent me screaming into the night.
The Horror
Don't even look at me. I am such a mess. I am the lowest of the lowest and you're gonna want to get my other suitcase out in the hall there.
Ranting To Naked Man
My apartment. It's like the barrio of or the projects or whatever. And I live there. I am a girl from the projects. Get this. I tried to call Doyle. I have sunk that low. And there was no answer, so here I am. Not that you were the last resort it's just that I had nowhere else left to go.
Talent Of Smelling
Roaches. Live ones, dead ones. All skinny feet and creepy antlers. Oh, my God, I wonder how many stowed away in that bag? Also, the water is all brown and spurty not hot. I am dying for a shower. I actually smell, Smell me! I never smell. I didn't know I could. I'm just gonna have to stay here until I find a decent place however long that takes. And when I do, you're completely invited over. Hey, you can just dump my stuff on your couch or let me have the bed whatever you feel good about. Also, my suitcase is still out in the hall. Your shower's in here, right? You have mousse? Of course you do.
There are just some talents that I don't want to discover like me being able to smell and sweat which isn't a good experience.
Feeling Clean
You ever get that feeling like you just can't shower enough. Like something's happened and you'll never be clean.
Taking Responsiblity
Angel, at some point in recent history you got peanut butter on the bed, and it's gross.
Peanut butter on the bed isn't a pleasant experience and it not being peanut butter could lead to even more grossness.
Mirrors
The man doesn't have a mirror. Like it'd kill him not to see himself?
Everyone should have at least one mirror even the vampire for his non vampire friends.
How about you make a list of people you're too good to talk to.
Just smile at Mr Grumpy Pants so he won't yell at me.
My Life
My whole life, pre-here. Five trophies with some of the shiny worn off.
Ok so I peeled off the linoleum to see if there were hardwood floors only to find that there weren't and so now gluing them back is an issue. I can just say they started curling up for no reason like they are really cheap and of poor quality.
Apartment Hunt
I'm not getting an apartment through some guy. He probably judges the property value on how far the bus ride is to the track.
And my urination just hasn't been public enough lately.
It's Perfect
Oh my gosh, have you ever seen anything so beautiful? It's perfect. Really, really, it's just perfect. It's amazing in there. What's wrong with it? I I used to have this. I I was I used to have those too.
Sometimes some guy can come through although there could be a glitch.
Decorating
First thing, I hire someone to take out that wall. Yes! And part of it being perfect is there being one tiny flaw for me to fix.
Even the most perfect place has something that you need to change because that's what makes it so perfect since having a bunch to do to fix it up would make it so not perfect.
Your guy found the perfect place. I love your guy.
Sunnydale
I'm from Sunnydale. You're not scaring me, you know. You're not scaring me. No. You're not scaring me. Not one bit.
Bright shiny morning. Nothing bad here.
The morning doesn't always mean the badness has stopped.
Trying To Help
You're a ghost, you're dead. Big accomplishment. Move on! You see a light anywhere? Go towards it, ok? Oooh! Cold wind. Scary! What are you gonna do, chap me to death? What else you got?
Sometimes ghosts are not so friendly and can cause harm to a person namely me.
Die
I am not giving up this apartment. It's rent controlled. Hey maybe it's not done yet. Maybe it's diet. That's friendly. A little judgemental, sure. I am not giving it up! It's perfect and beautiful. It's so me. I need it.
Listen good Casper! You haven't won a thing. I'll die before I give up this apartment.
And died there. That's the ingredients for ghosts, right?
Not Just A Place To Live
No. It's more. It's beautiful. And if it goes away, it's like... Like I'm still getting punished. I don't know. For how I was? For every thing that I said in high school just 'cause I could get away with it. And then it all ended and I had to pay. But this apartment. Oh! I could be me again. Punishment over. Welcome back to your life like like I couldn't be that awful if I get to have a place like that. It's just like you. I I meant because you used to have that mansion.
The place has that weird old lady smell like like violets and Aspercreme.
Tell me is this the same guy that helped me find my poltergeistalicious apartment?
The Not So Friendly Ghost
Little old lady ghost. How come Patrick Swazye's never dead when you need him?
Sometimes I need to get in touch with my inner bitch to scare away ghost mom.
I'm a bitch. I'm not a sniveling whiny little cry-Buffy. I'm the nastiest girl in Sunnydale history. I take crap from no one.
Back off Polygrip. You think you're bad? All mean and haunty picking on poor pathetic Cordy? Well, get ready to haul your wrinkly translucent ass out of this place 'cause, lady, the bitch is back.
I'll tell you what I think. I think you're gonna pack your little ghost bags and get the hell out of my house?
I knew I didn't like that wall.
Manners
Ok, am I wrong in thinking that a please and thank you is generally considered good form when requesting a dismemberment? You know what I think? I think he uses his tortured creature of the night status as a license to be rude and insensitive. Sure he's polite to the helpless and downtrodden but he ignores the people that are closest to him the people who matter the most, you know? Can you say clueless?
Cleaning Unsightly Stains
Does giant tentacle spew come out with dry cleaning.
Standing Up To The Boss
No. I don't care what horrible thing's about to happen. Asteroids are hurtling towards Earth. Unspeakable evil is rising in the San Fernando Valley. Jar Jar is getting his own talk show. Whatever. I don't want to hear about it. Not until you ask us how it went.
Even a vampire should have manners after all he has a soul and is sorta a person too.
Making A Point
You do remember leaving us in a sewer with a giant clamari? Yeah, it went ok. Of course it went ok. Ok? That's not the point. Being that it is possible to brood and show a little interest in the feelings of others.
Well spend a little time listening to how the living interact.
Not having a pulse doesn't mean you shouldn't know how those with one interact.
Mr and Mrs Spock need to mind meld now.
Instincts
I just find it endlessly fascinating how your instincts are so highly attuned when it comes to boring old evil but you have yet to make any mention of these new shoes.
There is way more to life than evil take new shoes for instance.
Secret
The middle of the night hours are really eating into my potential social life. Why I ever thought it was a nifty idea to work for a ventriloquist.
I totally know how to cover when I am about to say something that shouldn't be said because someone else is around and doesn't have a clue about the vampire she's talking to.
What She Sees When She Looks At Doyle
A bad double poly blend?
Maybe there is more to a person than the clothes he wears?
I'm so glad we came down to watch Late Night with creepy cop lady.
Being Polite
Can we get you some coffee of Valium or both?
Just because someone is acting seriously strange doesn't mean I can't be polite to them.
Personal problem you're gonna share till dawn?
My time is precious so I don't want to hear a cop that's really creepy going on and on.
Hey, what's your damage?
You stink with the whammy.
I didn't know there were talking sticks that changed people into bizarro types.
Getting Ready
Right now. It's time for you to get all vampy grr! Kate needs you!
Aim for the window when you want to break it when you throw a rock.
Take charge if the so called man misses with the rock.
Hugs All Around
Anyone for vomit?
Dating Prince Charming
While I steal into the night with my incredibly more wealth than you prince? Makes you little life look a tad drab, doesn't it?
I'm all about putting things into perspective.
I'll have you know that Pierce has a lot more than money. He has a home in Montecito, a Mercedes CLK320 and a place in the hills with a lap pool.
I'm not exactly sure what a lap pool is but I'm sure it's fabulous.
Intros
Angel. Doyle. Pierce. Bye.
Make it short and sweet so I can leave and possibly not return in the morning.
Bad Date
I pretend to be sick and claim that I left my car at work so I don't have the horror of his driving me home.
Serious Signs Of Bad Husband Material
Ok I can live with the whole boring me to tears bit because I just have to think of living in endless blue boxes.
Screaming and running to the car and leaving me is so not what I'm looking for in a husband.
Doyle To The Rescue
Whoa a opinion of a person can totally change once they save your life.
Date From Hell
So here I am at Petit Renard with Mr. Armani, who could keep me in blue boxes for the rest of my life. Tiffany's. God! And the whole night, I was bored silly. All I could think about was if this whimp saw a monster he'd probably throw a shoe at it and run like a weasel. Turns out the shoe part was giving him too much credit.
Growth
But all of sudden ride and handsome isn't enough for me. Now I expect a guy to be all brave and interesting. And it's your fault! Both of you.
The Rescue
Or disastrous. As if I wasn't confused enough then Doyle comes along and rescues me like some badly dressed superhero. He was really beat up but you know the first thing he asked? "Are you ok?" I mean, that's like substance. Right? So I've gotta kill myself. I swore when I went down this road with Xander Harris I'd rather be dead than date a fixer upper again. Still, maybe you're right. Maybe Doyle does have hidden depths. I mean, really, really, hidden but depths. And I kind of have to buy him a mochaccino for saving my life. Don't you think? Me, too. We'll be back in a half. You watch the phones, ok?
Allen Francis Doyle
An incredible spaz attack? Good
I was thinking that, uh, maybe I haven't been entirely fair to you. Maybe you don't actually have zero potential. That's not...What I'm trying to say is that I really appreciate what you did last night.
Third Grade Teacher
Grade third taught Doyle taught third grade. The kind with children? Are you sure he wasn't just held back and used that as a cover story.
Ok. Soup kitchen. Now that sounds like the Doyle I've come to know and revile.
In the nether world known as the 818 area code.
Cheering Doyle Up
Hi Doyle. Are you gonna become loser pining guy, like, full time now? 'Caus you know we already have one of those around the office. He can get away with it. He's tall and and look at the way clothes hang on him. But you...You can't live in the past. You've gotta move on. Let it go. Forget it. Tomorrow's another day. Did I mention letlting it go?
Cheering up people is hard but it's the least I can do since he did save my life and nearly got his brains eaten.
Nice guys don't always finish last.
I think it. I say it. That's my way.
I never say what I don't mean.
Back From Sunnydale
Where's the crabby scowl, the morbid gloom? This just means it cut deeper than usual. Batten down the hatches. Here comes Hurricane Buffy.
You have so much to learn, little Irish man.
Stalking The Ex
You don't want to stir but if my ex came to town and was all stalking me in the shadows and then left and he didn't even say hello I'd be...a little upset.
Typical of Buffy to steal the words right out of my mouth.
Oh, yeah. The Buffy and Angel show. First they talk out their differences and then they punch them out.
Stick our noses where they don't belong and get them flattened. Ha! No thank you.
Sometimes Dust Is Just Dust
Opps. My bad. It's just dust. I forgot to sweep under the rug. Hey! Don't blame me if he's too cheap to hire a cleaning lady.
I should really talk to Angel about hiring someone to keep things spic and span.
Human
Hey! You walked in the front door from the street. You've got an umbrella.
I suppose there isn't an umbrella strong enough to keep out those killing rays now that I think about it.
Look out! He's gonna eat everything in sight?
Man he's a pig when he's mortal and boy does he eat strange things together which are so not meant to be.
Ice Cream
It'll go straight to your thighs.
Dead Plant And Buffy
This plant was thriving just this morning. Now look at it. I'm tell you, where she leads dark forces follow.
Jealous or not, our lives are about to kaleidoscope.
Angel becoming human totally puts me out of a job and it's all Buffy's fault.
Buffy And Angel
Let me explain the lore here. Ok? They suffer, they fight. That's business as usual. They get groiny with one another the world as we know it falls apart.
Well this is all working out nicely. I'm out of a job!
Why don't people think about how things are going to affect me?
Colorful Resume
I'm good for exactly two things: international superstardom or helping a vampire with a soul to rid the world of evil. That makes for a short but colorful resume.
Look On The Bright Side
I've decided not to feel sorry for myself. I'm taking matters into my own hands organizing a little going out of business sale to subsidize the severance package Angel never bothered setting up for me. You know I'm in some real here and all you can do is talk about Angel. Has it even occurred to you how this whole turning human thing might affect me?
Maturity
Oh you want to talk about being matrue? Maybe it's time you grew up and realized that you can't have everything. You can't have Angel and save the world. And anyway it is your fault that he went to fight that thing by himself without...
Make A Commercial
Ok. We fade up on an aerial shot. Downtown, skyscrapers, yada, yada, yada. We hear a narrator, preferably famous maybe that bald Star Trek guy or one of the cheaper Baldwins and he says, "It's a big bad city out there." Cut to a woman walking down a dark, spooky, street alone. We'll cast some beautiful young actress maybe an up and coming starlet whose career is on the verge of taking off. Anyway, she's all nervous, right? Mucho vulnerable. The voice guys says, "Danger luks around every corner." Boo! She's attacked by a big ugly goon with a knife. She screams. Help! Is there no one to help me? Well, now there's somoneone who'll answer your call. He'll protect you and catch you when you fall. You can count on it. And you can count on me because I'm the Dark Avenger. The Dark Avenger. I know it's perfect. We can shoot it ourselves on Hi-8. I'll charm a post production house into doing the effects, and...
The Right Image
We will if we project the right image. And now I am suddenly thinking that Angel is all wrong for this commercial. He's a larger than life character way too Braveheart for Joe Couch Potato to relate to. We need somone who's average, run of the mill, ordinary. You're perfect. Come over here into the light and let's see if we can create some cheekbones.
And who needs a license when we have no clients?
The Commercial Courtesy Of Cordelia Chase
If you need help, then look no further. Angel Investigations is the best. Our rats (oops) Our rates are low, but our standards are high. When the chips are down and you're at the end of your rope you need someone that you can count on. And that's what you'll find here somone who'll go all the way who'll protect you no matter what. So don't lose hope. Come on over to our offices and you'll see that there's still heros in this world.
I'm not getting every man. I'm getting uh weasel. We don't want the weasel.
Hopeless
I'm just I feel kind of hopeless with him down there doing the non profit brooding. It's not like he has a heart. How could it be so broken? That's all very sad, but we live here, too.
Brooding doesn't pay the bills.
A Costume
Maybe if we get him a costume. Well the guy's a bona fide hero. Would it kill him to put on some tights and a cape and garner us a little free publicity.
Repeating Day
Check Stock Quotes or Lotto numbers before you have the day rewound and started over again.
Vision Strikes
Whoever you saw just now did they look like they could afford to pay?
Thinking On My Feet
While this may look like a popular brand of breath freshener it's really a cunningly disguised demon repellent.
Ok sometimes the ones in needs are demon people that are half human and in now way evil.
Ok mission statement check. Aren't we supposed to be battling the forces of darkness?
Bargaining
Cut the debt owed in half so I get some of the money owed to Angel.
For him to wait agree to knock off another 10% and say, "You drive a hard bargain." for that touch of you're doing the guy a huge favor.
Ask Me Out Already
I've rejected you way before now. So you're half demon. Big whoop! I can't believe you'd think I'd care about that. I mean, I work for a vampire. Hello? What do you think I am, superficial? I mean, you're half demon, that is so far down the list way under short and poor. Is there antyhign else I should know? Good. That's out. It's done. Would you ask me out for dinner already?
Special Coffee Mug
You're trying to push me away. Close yourself off. Well I got news for you, broody boy. We're all we've got now. You may not like sharing your grief with others but that's the normal healthy way people deal with loss. I'm not going anywhere, so get used to it. I am staying righ here. Oop! I gotta go. Commercial audition. If it wasn't a national I'd blow it off.
A girl has to keep her priorities in order like going to the auditions that matter.
You? I scared you? Look in the mirror lately?
Break A Leg
Picturing everyone is their underwear can be gross but apparently there is worse when that guy said picture them dead.
Helpful Tips For Auditions
Don't cry during an audition unless it's required.
Rememebr that removing a stain should be a happy thing.
Hop up and down to get into the right frame of mind.
A vision can totally muck up an audition.
Drooling doesn't help matters any.
Inheriting Visions
Damn! I can't believe he did this to me. Doyle! I thought our kiss meant something. And instead he used that moment to pass it on me. Why couldn't it have been mono or herpes? I didn't ask for this responsibility, unlike some who shall remain lifeless. I don't have anything to atone for. If they know what's good for them the PTB's better just stay out of my head.
Drool Issues
I am nobody's link to anybody. I lost control of my entire central nervous system getting that stupid vision. And I'm not certain but I think I may have drooled a little at the first audition I've had in weeks.
First Vision
An ugly, gray, blobby thing.
Determination
I don't care. I want it out of me. And if kissing is the only way to get rid of it I will smooch every damn frog in this kingdom. Maybe not every frog.
Be careful when around an empath.
Privacy In My Head
Really. Well, my kind thinks that some things are private so maybe you shouldn't be noisy around other people's feelings without asking them.
Doyle? Well, he drank to much and his taste in clothing was like a Greek tragedy. And he could be really sweet sometimes.
Doyle Being Half Demon
I guess that's the reason he sometimes smelled weird.
I guess it could also be because he liked drinking and booze does smell bad.
Did I mention the drooling?
Nothing In The Fridge
I hope you like your coffee black because the only lightener the boss has in his refridgerator is O-positive.
Coffee
It's kind of strng, and a little clumpy. Never could brew the old fashioned way. I'm more the auto-drip.
Pathetic
Well, thanks for that insight Mr. Emotional Radar.
Knee the guy in the crotch although it may not always work.
Auctioned Off
I'm really not a seer! I only had a vision once. And I'm pretty sure it was just something I ate.
Stall For Time
Hey, you know you'd pay twice that for cataracts. These eyes are flawless, even without the stupid visions. Is that the best you can do? You know what these eyes can do? They can us, see stuff. Like, uh, danger and and evil. And locations of buried treasure. Come on! Have some huevos, guy! Whitey here's steppin' all over you. You gonna take that from his kind?
Feel this feeling creepo.
Follow that with a sharp pointy thing shoved through his back.
Iron the picture to frame and hang up since Doyle did leave something of him behind.
Worth Way More
Plus he started the bidding on me at a paltry $2000.
I am so worth more than $2000 visions or not.
This, I frame for saving my life and as a reminder that something of Doyle's is here in our office.
Job Perks
One of the perks of the job. After an all nighter of fighting the lurking evil, we get eggs.
I'm famished. He's a good cook for someone on a liquid diet.
Practice Makes Perfect
It's the city of dreams. A mystical oasis willed from a desert. But even sunny blonde LA has its trashy dark roots and you've learned that the hard way, haven't you? You've taken your problem to the police they can't help you so you've come to us.
Nobody likes a smart ass rogue demon hunter.
I've been giving the hard sell to an empty chair. What do you think?
Can you say duh?
Yeah, well, nobody gouged out my eyes, so I'm happy.
I really need to look at the bright side of things and my eyes still being in my skull is a good thing.
Good Morning
DMV is totally stalker phobic and, wow, you look half dead. Which, for someone who's completely dead would be kind of neat.
I so have the talent to turn something bad into something good.
Are You Ok?
I mean, for a guy who's 200 plus you're not usually with the bags.
Put cucumbers on the eyes to bring down the swelling.
Jeez, Wesley. Hover much?
A Stake
Kind of rude coming into a vampire's place of businnes with one of those things, don't you think? Could be misinterpreted?
Loyalty
I don't care how many files you have on all the horrible things that he did back in the powdered wig days. He is good now, and he is my friend. And nothing you or anyone else can say will make me turn on a friend. You stake him, and I'll cut off his head.
Oh. Not exactly the confidence inspiring denial I was looking for.
Hynowhaggic? Vampires can't sleepwalk. He'd take one step out the door and his P.J.'s would burst into flames.
Like I need instructions from you. My glamouous LA life I get to make the coffee and chain the boss to the bed. Gotta join a union. And if it turns out that we're back on a liquid lunch better safe than cocktails.
And no offense Angel, but may you are just committing these horrible crimes in your dreams but even so, I don't want to stick around for your nocturnal commissions.
There are just some things I won't put up with.
Good News
Wakie wakie! Great news, sports fans. There's been another killing. Ok, well, maybe not so great news for the, you know, dead person but at least now we know that Mr. I'm So Tortured didn't do it.
Apt Pupil Boy
A real Psycho-wan kenobi.
No life. Gallahger's changed his act more times than this dude has in the last two centuries. Why do you think he's still doing the same old shtick?
You really need to change things around every once in a while especially if you've been around for over two hundred years.
Hello live in the now not two centuries ago.
Practice Makes Perfect
So you've discovered the seamy underbelly of the candy coated America, have you? Well, you've come to the right place. Here at Angel Investigations we won't judge, but we will charge. Now, if you'll only tell me how you heard of us?
I need to do something during those off times when nothing is going on so I use it to perfect my hard sell.
I can so tell when someone is pumping me for information.
Angel
Dour, sure, but not afraid to get personally involved in his work, and you're totally pumping me for information, aren't you?
My Burden
If you're wondering why this vein on my temple is doing the cha'cha it's because I had one of those bone crunching mind splitting vision headaches.
Going Evil
Oh, I'll kill you dead. What are friends for?
Sneaky Vamp
Oh! And now I look like the Joker. Hopefully I'm still too young and carefree for a heart attack. Would it kill you to hum a little tune when sneaking up on people?
From now on I will apply makeup with my back to the wall so no sneaky vamp can pop up behind me.
Mrs Benson is filed under F because she's from France. Remember what a pain she was?
Word Puzzle 3d Anyone?
Gee, Wesley, I'd love to, but, unlike you, I'm not in my eighties quite yet.
No Intro
'Cause I'm ashamed of you not to mention how you'd embarrass me by giving him the third degree.
Note to self don't bring dates around when Angel or Wes or around.
Client
Like a big baby hatching from a big egg with really large hands, in need of a manicure.
Coming To LA
Sky diving without a parachute. Except for the smashing your body to bits part. Actually, no. It was like that, too. Oh, and the guy that's supposed to be here when you arrive..With the big bag of fame and fortune? So, what happened to him?
High School
In high school I knew my place and, ok it was a haughty place and maybe I was a bit shallow.
Inviting A Date In
Remember that it can have disastrous results so tread lightly.
It's early somewhere like Austrailia.
My how I've grown in character since my high school days.
Living Alone
In the sense that I'm the only one living here that's actually alive.
Say that the apartment has faulty wiring to explain the jaunty polka and the lights going all wonky.
Honesty Is The Best Policy
Look, the truth is that my dating skills are kinda rusty. You're the first person I've had over in a long well ever. So, uh I'm open to suggestions.
Threats To Phantom Dennis
This is theo ne guy I've actually liked in a long time and if you keep killing the mood I'll kill you! All right, empty threat you being a ghost and already dead and all. But I'll do something worse I'll play Evita round the clock the one with Madonna.
I have a ghost. He's jealous.
My Apartment
The apartment's great but things are always breaking and, um I have no one to complain to so sometimes, just to keep myself company, I talk to myself.
It's good to have a cover story to explain something that I'm doing.
Ghosts can be really sweet when down in the dumps by passing over the tissues and pulling the covers up.
Unexpected News
What would I say to him? I had a really great time. I think you left something at my place?
Oh, God, I'm being punished.
Pregnancy
I'm as big as a house, everything hurts.
Cravings
Drinking the pig's blood which even grosses out my friend the vampire.
To make sure something's dead smash it.
I really hate dating.
Sarcasm Hello
I had this great audition today for Max Cracks you know, the little crackers? This producer was so nice. He said that I'm his first choice. We're going out to dinner tonight. Mm-hmm. He is so sweet. He says that all I have to do is let him impregnant me with his demon master's seed and I've got the part.
Appreciation
Guys, I appreciate all the concern but I'm ok. I mean, it was an ordeal, but I got through it and I'm a lot stronger than those loser demon surrogates thought.
Learned A Lesson
I learned um men are evil. Oh, wait. I knew that. I learned that LA's full of self serving phonies. No. Had that one down, too. Uh sex is bad? Ok, I learned that I have two people I trust absolutely with my life. And that part's new.
Diego pants on!
Note to self: Next time I throw a party don't invite Diego or have his pants super glued on.
Beans Uncrushed
Crush the beans with your vampire strength just mush the bag.
I was so glad you came. You know how parties are. You're always worried that no one's gonna suck the energy out of the room like a giant black hole of boring despair. But there you were, in the clinch.
Team
We're a team as long as no pay cut is required.
Feelings
All I felt was his fear. And the exploded eyeballs. Did I mention I hate this gig?
Portals
Portals? There are portals now? When did they put in portals? Don't we have enough on our hands without burning monster fiends coming here?
Don't bother kissing butt since there's no overtime since it's a waste of time and energy.
Did she Carrie you? Carrie? The movie? You know?
Someone needs to get some culture and watch some movies every now and then.
Chick That Burns
A hottie, huh? I guess she's that all right. What with the sizzle. The sizzle factor.
That better be an aha of triumph. I was dreaming there was a going out of business sale at Neiman's
The who-dees of what-ee?
Don't be afraid to ask the British guy if no clue is had about what he's talking about.
Now I'm sure we souldn't have come here. It smells like flower poop.
I really need to start trusting my first instincts.
Cell Phones
You'd think a guy who knows how to use an ancient Scythian short bow could figure out how to use a cell phone.
It's good to know when to hide.
A Shower
What are you doing? We nearly got burned from the inside out and you're here getting all April fresh?
Wes Hitting On Burn Chicks
You're pathetic and about to get your eyeballs friend.
Wow. Groveling isn't just a way of life for you, it's an art.
Oh, look who's here. Can I get you something? Knife to our throats. You can run away.
Brownies
The recipe wa handed down to me from my mother who got it from her housekeeper. Plus I improvised a little. You're gonna love 'em. They're brownies full of nutty goodness not red blood cells.
Maybe if he'd branch out into the solids he'd keep a decent knife around.
I think Mr. Too Much Cologne is the pot calling the kettle stinky.
See if I cook like ever again for Mr Stinky.
Slip Of The Tongue
Pretend to read any good books lately?
Doyle's Death
Look you don't have to be Joe Stoic about his dying. I mean, I know that you have this unflappable vibe working for you, but you don't have to do that for me. Great. So flap.
No one could have said demon poo before I touched it?
Next time I see something I ask before touching it in case it's something gross.
Lizzie Borden
I remember the children's rhyme. And how come they're all full of death and cradles falling and mice getting tails cut off? Anyway, the whole thing needs a rating system.
So someone in the family's got a squattor in their head.
It would really suck to have someone in my head oh wait a second I sorta do thanks Doyle.
Always Polite
Hi I'm Cordelia. Sorry about the possession and everything.
Put plastic downe if big vomiting is expected
Exorcism
Jeez, we got it. Circle, angry, kill, kill, kill. Go to church already.
Sometimes I need to put a fire under that boy to get him going.
Distraction
Good! We can watch TV or play cards. You'll get caught up, won't even hear your son's pain.
An Ethros box can't just be built by anyone.
Where are blind Tibetian monks when we need them?
Just pop it in a bag and I'm out of here.
Improvising doesn't always work.
Sea Caves
Keep is simple instead of the long parade of words.
Kwanini Balancing Demon Going Alld Kick Ass
Maybe it was just having a bad skanky rag day.
I'm sure that demons can have a really bad day too especially if they look like that.
Dress The Part
Very good, Mr I can't tail the suspect during the day because I'll burst into flames private eye. First, off I hate following detail. Can I mention traffic? And parking? Or the complete lack of it?
