Warrior Babes The Second
Xanderhood

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The New Girl
 
Can I have you? Ha Ha! Can I help you? I don't know you do I? Xander is me. Hi. Well uh maybe I'll see you around. Maybe at school since we both go there. We both go to school. Very suave. Very not pathetic. Oh hey hey you forgot your stake.
 
Bibbling Idiot
 
Oh me and Buffy go way back. Old friends. Very close. Then there was that period of estrangement where I think we were both growing as people but now here we are like old times. I'm quite moved.
 
Well not much goes on in a one Starbacks town like Sunnydale.
 
A hot new girl is big news around here.
 
Vampires Are Real!
 
Ok this is where I have a problem. You see because we're talking about vampires. We've having a talk with vampires in it.
 
So what's the plan we saddle up right?
 
I'm inadequate. That's fine. I'm less than a man.
 
And I in the meantime will help by standing around like an idiot.
 
Difference A Day Makes
 
It's just too much. I mean yesterday my life's lke uh oh pop quiz today it's rain of toads.
 
Know The Facts
 
Ok crosses, garlic, stake to the heart. Cool. Of course I don't actually have any of those things. Well the part of my brain that would tell me to bring that stuff is too busy telling me not to come down here.
 
Ok so a flashlight isn't always a good thing.
 
Timing is everything and know about the bait thing.
 
Hearing the worms in the earth is a plus.
 
If a friend is vamped it's not them anymore.
 
Kick something when major bummed about friend getting vamped.
 
My Stand
 
I don't like vampires. I'm gonna take a stand and say they're not good.
 
The Bronze
 
Come on all those tasty young morsels all over the place?
 
My first staking was my friend Jesse ok so it was accidental but it still totally counts on my slay-o-meter.
 
Something Anything
 
I don't know something. I mean the dead rose. We should at least had an assembly.
 
Kicked Out
 
Oh yeah. That's a plan. 'Cause lots of schools aren't on Hellmouths.
 
School Spirit
 
People scoff at things like school spirit, but look at these girls giving their all like this. Ooh stretchy. Where was I?
 
Girl Afire
 
It's like the human torch only it hurts.
 
Slayerettes
 
I laugh in the face of dagner. Then I hide until it goes away.
 
The Crush
 
So I'm just a figure of fun. I should ask her out right?
 
On Willow
 
You're so cool you're like a guy. You're my guy friend that knows about girl stuff.
 
For I am Xander King of Cretins may all lesser cretins bow before me.
 
Double Edged Sword
 
Cordelia you haven't been mean to me all day. Is it soemthing I've done? Ok see how she has no clue that I'm even a mammal much less a human being? This is the invisible man syndrome a blessing in Cordelia's case a curse in Buffy. Worse I'm just part of the scenery like an old shoe or a rug that you walk on every day but don't even really see.
 
Making A Point
 
You don't have to drive it through my head like a railroad spike.
 
No Bush Beating
 
No. I got to be a man and ask her out. You know what I got to stop giving her ID bracelets, subtle inneundos, taking polaroids outside her bedroom window late at night. That last part is a joke to relieve the tension because here she comes. Ok into battle I go. Would you ask her out for me? No. Man. Me battle.
 
Real Estate
 
First vampires, now witches. No wonder you can still afford a house in Sunnydale.
 
Ok so I like to check out books to look at the semi nude engravings it's not like it's a crime or something since that's one does when you go to a library at least I suppose that's how it works in theory.
 
Backup
 
We're right behind you only farther back.
 
The Ultimate Fantasy
 
In my fantasy I'm the big hero and a rock star complete with staking followed by my guitar solo.
 
Nothing wrecks a fantasy like the girl starring in it waking me up by telling me that I'm drooling.
 
Don't nod at the guy singing since he might not take it the right way.
 
It's handy to have girl best buds to cling to when my manhood is questioned.
 
On Angel
 
That weird guy that warned her about all the vampires? Well he's buff. She never said anything about him being buff. He's he's a very attractive man. How come that never came up? Oh rigt give her your jacket. It's a balmy night no need for trading clothing out there.
 
Sometimes blowing off history homework is a smart thing to do especially when the teacher is AWOL.
 
It's funny how the earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.
 
Miss French
 
I wonder what she sees in me? Probably the quiet good looks coupled with a certain smoky magnetism.
 
Hey those that can do those that can't laugh at those who can do.
 
"Where's the head?" is a question no one wants to hear.
 
So there's something else out there besides Silverwareman? Oh this is fun we're on Monster Island.
 
Nah thanks I never eat when I'm making egg sacs.
 
Ah forgiveneess is my middle name. Actually it's Lavelle and I'd appreciate it if you guard that little secret with your life.
 
If it sounds too good to be true it probably is.
 
Likes Me Best
 
Oh it's a bit demanding being her absolute most favorite guy in the universe but I'll muddle through.
 
Phremones
 
She's not an insect. She's a woman. Ok as hard as that may be for you to conceive an actual woman finds me attractive. I realize it's no mystery guy handing out leather jackets. And while we're on the subject what kind of a girlie name is Angel anyway? Nothing. It just kind of bugs me.
 
Now there are bugs and there are bugs.
 
Witty Reparte
 
I like cucumbers like in that Greek salad thing with the yogurt. Do you like Greek food? Except Swolna of course. What's that all about? It's a big meat hive.
 
A Martini really goes to my head not to mention the headache that follows.
 
One good thing out of this whole mess is finding out about Blain Mr So Called Conquests King.
 
It's always handy to have bug spray on hand for those pesky bugs.
 
Just for the record you were right I was an idiot. Thank you.
 
I'm not afraid to admit that I was wrong I just hate being wrong.
 
Mystery Food
 
Has anyone given any thought to what this green stuff is? I think it's kale or possibly string cheese.
 
That's one thing you can always count on to not have gourmet dining in the cafeteria.
 
Hoity Toity Vamps
 
Hey they bringing in the much needed tourist dollars.
 
I mean a lot of guys read. I can read.
 
Ok I have a Tweety watch while book boy has his fancy schmancy pocket watch big whoop.
 
So it is. It sure is so.
 
Fashion Advice
 
You know Owen is a little homespun. He probably doesn't like that overly assertive look. Oh hey here's something a nice comfy overcoat and a ski cap. The earflaps really bring out your eyes.
 
Lipstick
 
Oh you mean for kissing and then telling all his friends how easy you are so the whole school loses respect for you and then talks behind your back? The red's fine.
 
Move mirror so I can try to sneak a peak while she's dressing.
 
Hey I'm only human after all and a red blooded male to boot.
 
Turning Away The Competition
 
Yeah a couple of things about tonight. Well it's a little too late to do anything about that. Uh you should probably know that Buffy doesn't like to be kissed. Actually she doesn't like to be touched. As a matter of fact don't even look at her.
 
Giles
 
He's like super librarian. Everyone forgets Willow that knowledge is the ultimate weapon.
 
Duty Calls
 
Look I hate to state the obvious but this looks like a job for Buffy.
 
Code
 
We thought it'd be fun if we made this a double date. 'Cause of the fun! Hey maybe we should all go somewhere together. You know what would be cool? The Sunnydale Funeral Home. We saw some guys in there before. They seemed to be having fun.
 
Always acknowledge good thinking.
 
Barricade door to avoid unwanted visitors.
 
Field Trip Spirit
 
I'm feeling that you're not in the field trip spirit here. Buffy this isn't just about looking at a bunch of animals. This is about not being in class. Gotta have perspective.
 
Bullies
 
 
Every school has 'em. See you start a new school. You get your desks, some black boards and some mean kids.
 
I'll handle it. This job doesn't require actual slaying.
 
Why don't you pick on your own species?
 
Buttery Croissant
 
Man I need some food. Birds live on this.
 
Math
 
It's like a big blur all these numbers and angles. Why do I need to learn this?
 
Throw math book into the trash can to get rid of the headache.
 
Signs That I'm Possessed
 
1. A major case of the grouchies.
 
2. A pig wigs when I get neart it.
 
3. I get brutal when it comes to dodge ball.
 
4. I bad mouth my best friend.
 
5. The winged monkies are my new and bestest pals.
 
Just for future reference marked in the file just in case.
 
Cruelty
 
I guess you've noticed that I've been different around you lately. I think um I think it's because my feelings for you have been changing. And well we've been friends for such a long time that I feel like I need to tell you something I've uh decided to drop Geometry so I won't be needing your math help anymore. Which means I won't have to look at your pasty face again.
 
I've been waiting for you to jump my bones.
 
That's just great it takes me getting possessed to get her where I want her which isn't very good.
 
What You Want
 
We both know what you really want? You want danger don't ya? You like your men dangerous. Dangerous and mean like Angel. Your msyterious guy? Well guess who got mean?
 
The more I scare you the better you smell.
 
I'll just plead amnesia after this whole being possessed by a hyenna couldn't it have been something cooler?
 
Hey nobody messes with my Willow.
 
Shoot me, stuff me, mount me.
 
Boy that Cordelia is really a regular breath of vile air.
 
Whoa let's stop this crazy whirligig of fun. I'm dizzy.
 
Ick Factor
 
Buffy come on wake up and smell the seduction. It's the oldest trick in the book. Duh! I mean guys will do anything to impress a girl. I once drank an entire gallon of Gatorade without taking a breath.
 
Cover
 
You love a vampire! What are you out of your mind? Not vampire. How can you love an umpire? Everyone hates them.
 
Can you please tell us before you do that.
 
I don't like when book guy pops up behind me and starts talking which leads to being startled.
 
The Vampire And Buffy
 
I don't need to watch because I'm not threatened. I'm just gonna look this way.
 
I have a pulse and I can go out in daylight which totally puts me ahead of the game or at least it should.
 
Night Out
 
But you're gonna be missing out. I'm planning on being witty. I'm gonna make fun of all the people who won't talk to me.
 
Perky
 
Yeah color in the cheeks bounce in the step I don't like it. It's not healthy.
 
Slightly Wigged
 
Or who he really is. I mean sure he says he's a high school student but I could say I'm a high school student. Ok but I can also say that I'm an elderly Dutch woman get me? And who's to say I'm not if I'm in the Elderly Dutch chatroom. Yeah I mean you read about it all the time people meet on the net. They talk. They get together have dinner, a show, horrible axe murder.
 
It may be fun to overeact but sometimes one does have a point.
 
Knowledge
 
Cadillacs Research And Development it's a computer research lab. Third largest employer in Sunndyale until it closed down last year.
 
What I can't have information sometimes?
 
CRD
 
My Uncle used to work there in a floor sweeping capacity.
 
I'm always free to do a little break and entering.
 
Panic
 
To read makes our speaking English good.
 
Sometimes words come out wrong in a moment of panic.
 
Electricity And Hair
 
It's great. It's your best hair ever.
 
Ok for those of us in our studio audience who are me you guys are saying that Molloch is in this computer.
 
If you get in through a door find another way in.
 
Remember fun that thing when you smile.
 
The Hellmouth
 
Right and the teacher I had a crush on a giant preying mantis. That's life on the Hellmouth. We're doomed.
 
Mocking can lead to the badness of being stuck in the Talentless Show.
 
Can I just mention that detention is a time honored punishment.
 
Clowns give me the creeps big time.
 
Talentless
 
I can't do this. I I can't. I have my pride. Ok I don't have a lot of my pride but I have enough so that I can't do this.
 
Whaever happened to corporal punishment?
 
Talking to Cordelia is a whole new form of torture.
 
A guy talking to his puppet is not of the norm.
 
Yeah we can't do the talent show it's unthinkable. I'm not able to think.
 
To lose Cordelia mention her hair and off she runs.
 
It's not good when the dummy made of wood takes off.
 
Needs A Healthy Intelligent Brain
 
In other words I'm still safe.
 
My Vote
 
I still vote dummy.
 
Never again will I do a talentless show with all the horrors of memorizing and stuff.
 
Center Of The Universe
 
Wendell what is wrong with you? Don't you know that she is the center of the universe and the rest of us merely revolve around her?
 
Spiders Not A Problem
 
I'm sorry I'm not uh ruffled by spiders.Now if a bunch of Nazis crawled all over my face. We're on the Hellmouth the center of mystical convergence supernatural monsters been there.
 
Complete Confidence
 
I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there we'll find, you'll say, we'll party.
 
Gonzoed Totally Justified
 
There's nothing to say you saw two hundred insects. You gonzoed anybody would have.
 
Loving Spiders
 
It is platonic right?
 
Red Alert
 
Except my underwear. Bad thing? I was I was naked doesn't cover it. With nudity! It was a total nightmare. Except the part with me waking up going it's all a dream. It happened.
 
Chocolate
 
Someone else's loss is my chocolately goodness.
 
Standing Up To Bozo
 
You were a lousy clown. Your baloon animals were pathetic. Everyone can make a giraffe. I feel good. I feel liberated.
 
I'm glad that I punched that bozo because it was very liberating.
 
Attracted To Vamp Buffy
 
Willow how can you I mean that's really bent. She was grostesque. I'm sick. I need help.
 
What? So there's homework now? When did this happen?
 
I'd rather research than talk to Cordelia.
 
Invisible Power
 
That is so cool! Well yeah I would give anything to turn invisible. Well I wouldn't use my power to beat people up. I'd use my powers to protect the girls locker room.
 
Greek myths speak of invisibility but they're usually for the Gods. Research Boy comes through with the knowledge.
 
Owning A Stove
 
Oh hey you want to come to our place tonight for dinner? Mom's making her famous call to the Chinese place?
 
Have A Nice Summer
 
It's the kiss of death.
 
That is so something I don't want anywhere near my yearbook even if no one ends up signing it to avoid the humiliation.
 
What A Shocker Cordelia
 
Who is really really angry at you which I can't imagine personally but it takes all kinds you know.
 
Can we revel in your lack of priorities?
 
It's really bad when the shut off valve is broken but Dead Boy really came through in the nick of time.
 
Practice Makes Perfect
 
You know how I feel about you. It's pretty obvious isn't it? There's never been anyone else for me but you. And we're good friends and it's time to take the next. Would you uh date me? Oh that's good. Date me. It's terrible right?
 
More Practice
 
You kow Buffy the Spring Fling isn't just any dance. It's a time for students to choose um a mate and then we could observe their mating rituals and tag them before they migrate. Just kill me! Why's it so hard? I should just walk up to her and say, "Hey I like you. Let's go to the dance together."
 
Sometimes the word boring just doesn't cover it.
 
The Real Thing
 
Buffy you know the Spring Fling is a time for students to gather. Oh go. Buffy I want you to go to the dance with me. You and me on a date. Well you're not laughing so that's a good start. Buffy I like you a lot and I know we're friends and we've had experiences. We've fought some bloodsucking fiends and that's all been a good time but I want more. I want to dance with you. Well Willow's not looking to date you or if she is she's playing it pretty close to the chest. I don't want to spoil it either but that's not the point is it? You either feel a thing or you don't. Try I'll wait. No forget it I'm not him. I mean I guess a guy's got to be undead to make time with ya. Look I'm sorry I don't handle rejection well. Funny considering all the practice I've had.
 
Silver Lining
 
On a scale of one to ten? It sucked. Well I guess it could be worse. I could have gangrene on my face.
 
Not thinking can be a good thing.
 
Country Music
 
That's ok I don't wanna go. I'm just gonna go home, lie down, listen to some country, the music of pain.
 
Note to self: Take phone off hook while listening to the music of pain.
 
Entitled To My Freaked State
 
Calm? I'm sorry. Calm may work for Locutus of the borg her but I'm freaked out and I intend to stay that way.
 
Dead Boy can come in handy every now and then.
 
To make things clear pull out a cross.
 
Clear
 
How can I say this clearly? I don't like you. At the end of the day I pretty much think you're a vampire but Buffy's got this big old yen for ya. She thinks you're a real person. And right now I need you to prove her right.
 
My Neck
 
You were looking at my neck. You were checking out my neck. I saw that. Just keep your distance pal. I told you to eat before we left.
 
I breathe therefore I got to give Buffy CPR.

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Summer
 
It's really rude to throw the answer at me before I'm finished.
 
A vamp can really spoil the mood.
 
A yawn worthy summer with the burial of the Master as the highlight and of course the wearing of the robes.
 
Sunnydale
 
Which means we're still the undeads favorite party town.
 
It's good that you're fine. Oh come on you can tell us. We're you bosom friends. The friends of your bosom.
 
Dreams are meaningful.
 
Not Always About Kissing
 
Yeah. Some stuff's about groping.
 
Sarcasm
 
No Will they're gonna be clog dancing.

Three Musketeers
 
It kinda lacked punch. I would have gone with stooges.
 
Possessed?
 
Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me? She's possessed.
 
Hey maybe when the Master killed her some mystical bad guy transference thing happened.
 
A bitca?
 
Master Bones
 
A trophy? A horrible conversation piece?
 
Come To The Bronze Before It Opens Or We Make Her A Meal
 
They're gonna cook her dinner. Uh pretend I didn't say that.
 
If Buffy's about to lose it I think we should be trying to reach minimum safe distance.
 
Back To Normal
 
There's a rumor going around that uh Mr Cox is the most boring teacher in the entire world. I think he won a belt or something.
 
Bronzing it?
 
Well we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammber but gosh we did that last night.
 
Dating Mood
 
Turned on kinda being called an idiot.
 
Spell Duh!
 
Now is a time to have a talk about the facts of life. You know 'cause that whole stork thing is a smoke screen.
 
Dead Girls
 
That Foundren might actually beat Sunnydale in the cross town body competition this year?
 
BYO Shovel
 
Bringing powdered donuts to the cemetery is always a good idea.
 
All right but if you come across the army of zombies can you page us before they eat your flesh?
 
Grave Digging
 
Call me an optimist but I'm hoping to find a fortune in gold doubloons.
 
How about that? I always pegged him as a one woman vampire.
 
Make Girl
 
You mean when there are so many premade ones just lying around? The things we do for love. Maybe not but I'll tell you this. People don't fall in love with what's right in front of them. People want the dream What they can't have. The more unattainable the more attractive.
 
Skull
 
Hello! I want to get ahead. For the love of God can somebody scratch my nose?
 
Eric's Place
 
Yeah nothing but a bunch of computer equipment and a pornography collectin that's so prodigious it even scared me.
 
After doing a little snooping there's always time for popcorn.
 
If I can't undo the staps just roll the gurney out of the flaming room and jump on.
 
It's a good thing to be able to think quick on my feet.
 
Paired Off
 
Well I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off the vampires get dates. Hell even the school librarian sees more action tham me. You ever think that the world's a giant game of musical chairs and the music's stopped and we're the only ones who don't have a chair.
 
Shelia
 
Homework she won't do it. And most teachers respect that.
 
Ultimate Jinx
 
It's no biggie you'll have a nice soiree. The paretns will love it. As long as nothing really bad happens between now and then you'll be fine.
 
Ok so maybe sometimes I should think for like a second before letting actual words come out of my mouth.
 
Helping
 
Yeah I'll whittle stakes. And while I'm whittling I plan to whistle a jaunty tune.
 
Too Damn Quiet
 
Ok that's it. I'm putting a collar with a little bell on that guy.
 
A guy should make some kind of noise when he comes up behind you to avoid me jumping ten feet into the air.
 
I knew you were lying undead liar guy.
 
Student Exhange
 
Well a lot of parents are doing it this year. It's part of this whole culture exchange migela the dance.
 
My Dad tried to sell me to some Armenians once. Does that count?
 
By guylike we are talkig big beefy guy like girl right?
 
Guy!
 
Hold on a sec so this person who's living with you for two weeks is a man with man parts. This is a terrible ida. There's no melding ok. He better keep his parts to himself.
 
Rodney Munson
 
What he lacks in smarts he makes up in lack of smarts.
 
No Happy Ending
 
No I think it ends with and she became a scary, discolored, shriveled mummy.
 
Sunnydale Bus Depot
 
Ooh classy. What better way to introduce someone to our country than with the stench of urine.
 
Not Take Me
 
Buffy I love Willow. I mean she's my best friend which makes her not the kind of girl who I think about her lips that much. She's the kind of girl that I'm best friends with.
 
Three to avoid akwardness of being on a date nice and safe.
 
Anything's possible when one lives on a Hellmouth.
 
Priorities
 
Buffy where are your priorities tracking down a mummifying killer or making time with some Latin lvoer whose stock in trade is the breakage of hearts?
 
Oh yeah. Fall for the old let me translate that ancient seal for ya come on. Do you know how many times I've used that?
 
See I speak some Spanish like Doritoes, Aye carrumba.
 
Your English is very bueno.
 
Well that works out well because I talk much.
 
Mocking Alternatives
 
Ok no shirts with ruffles. No hats with feathers. And definetely no lederhosen. They make my calves look fat.
 
Twinkies
 
And this is called a snack food. Yeah it's a delicious spongey golden cake stuffed with a delightful creamy white substance of goodness.
 
Just stuff it in the mouth and enjoy.
 
And the exciting part is that they have no ingredients that a human can pronounce so it doesn't leave you with a heavy food feeling in your stomach.
 
Strange
 
Girls always tell me that right before they run away.
 
I like you like it. Please don't learn from my English.
 
The big crazy guy with the sword turning to the girl and saying, "You." is a bad sign.
 
Crime Club
 
We're no an Archeology Club. We're in the Crime Club which is kind of like the Chess Club only with crime and uh no chess.
 
There's more to life than being wigged over danger and peril.
 
The girl doesn't always laugh and pull out my still beating heart crushing it under her heel but not a regular girl a mummy.
 
Make sure to ask if the girl is a preying mantis.
 
Next time you should probably say shrug especially if you're dressed up like an Eskimo.
 
A girl running away isn't a good thing.
 
Sometimes the girl isn't worthy especially when she sucks people dry.
 
Sometimes a bad joke can be very revealing.
 
Bravery
 
Let her go. If you're gonna kiss anybody it should be me. That's never gonna happen. No! You want life then you have to take mine.
 
Sometimes the answer isn't always what you expect.
 
I'm really the fun talking guy today huh?
 
I just present company excluded I have the worst taste in women of anyone in the world ever.
 
Yeah but I think that whole sucking the life out of people thing would have been a strain on the relationship.
 
2-5
 
2-6
 
2-7
 
Anywhere But Here
 
Oh. Amy Yip at the waterslide park. I'm just not fickle like you too ok? I am constant in my affections. Amy Yip at the waterslide park.
 
Twelve Grades
 
Giles lived for school! He's actually bitter that there were only twelve grades.
 
School On Saturday
 
Poor schlubs have to attend school on Saturday. Heh hey. Ooh gang did you hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia. Mix in a little rectal surgery and it's my best day ever.
 
Somethings shouldn't be imagined like Giles and Miss Calender doing anything.

Computers
 
When are we ever gonna need computers for real life anyway?
 
Will's a whiz at the computer thing so she can do it for me.
 
You know computers are on the way out. I think paper's gonna make a big comback. Yeah you know you don't see enough abaci.
 
Snapping
 
Yep, yep I thought this would happen. Nobody can be wound as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting. My Uncle Roary was the stodgiest taxerdermist you ever met by day. By night it was booze, whores, and fur flying.
 
Going Through Giles Files
 
I feel pretty good about it. Does that make me a sociopath?
 
Ok Giles and orgies in the same sentence I could've lived without that one.
 
Solution
 
Oh yeah we'll find Miss Calender then we'll decapitate her. Hey she'll be the first headless computer teacher in school. You think anybody will notice?
 
Cordelia
 
That's it. Twelve years of you and I'm snapping. I don't care if you're a girl or not. I'm throwing down. Come on.
 
Career As A Watcher
 
And the dental plan's crap.
 
Career Test
 
Are you a people person or do you prefer keeping your own company? What if I'm a people person who keeps his own company by default? Well there are no boxes for none of the above that would introduce too many variables into their mushroom head number crunching little world.
 
2-10
 
The Captain
 
You don't know what you're talking about. He was a puppet. She was using him. That was her genius. He didn't even know he was playing second fiddle. Buffy who was the real power the Captain or Tenille? The Captain and Tenille? Boy somebody was raised in a culture free environment.
 
Nursemaid
 
So is it better than playing naughty stewardess?
 
Will's Squealing
 
That's the sound she makes when she's speechless with geeker joy. Can I just say this is the finese pizza ever on God's green earth. What is your secret?
 
Mini Pizzas
 
You know you should market these things. I mean you could get two, three hundred bucks apiece.
 
Changed My Life
 
Did you even bother to taste them? No! Well I did and I'm here to tell you those mini pizzas have changed my life. Ted is the master chef.
 
Buf you're lacking evidence. I think maybe we're in Sigmund Frued territory. Having issues much.
 
Parental Issues
 
You're having parental issues. You're having parental issues. What? Frued would have said the exact same thing except he might not have done that little dance.
 
Mini Golf
 
Hey we can do that thing any time. I'm tired of doing that thing. We're on.
 
Ted
 
So he's a little uptight. Last I heard that's not a slaying offense. Don't give me the look. I'm on your side. I'm just saying that there are some things in life you have to accept.
 
He's like a God of Cooking.
 
Be careful next time when I say that someone has a nice outfit to.
 
Mr Romance
 
You want to go to the utility closet and make out?
 
Monsterama
 
What was he? What was he a demon, a giant bug, some kind of dark God with the secrets of nouvelle cuisine? I mean we are talking creature feature here right?
 
Loyalty
 
Man this is killing me! That bastard was up to something. I know it. If I could just get my hands on him earlier this this week. I sometimes like things that aren't good for me. Besides no way no how did Buffy put the big hurt on an innocent man. Nice Uncle Ted was dirty. If Buffy has to go to jail because of that creep I'm gonna lose it.
 
Under The Influence Of Evil Cookies
 
Worrying isn't gonna solve any problems.
 
Willow you are the best human ever I adore you. Well that's the cookies talkin' but you rock.
 
Check for cookies for evidence and try to resist the urge to eat them.
 
Creepy Much
 
So I'm Ted the sickly loser. I'm dying, and my wife dumps me. I build a better Ted. He brings her back, holds her hostage in his bunker o love until she dies, and then he keeps bring her back over and over. Now, now that's creepy on a level I hardly knew existed.
 
Serial Killer
 
It's so hard to rent one nowadays.
 
In The Closet
 
Are you saying that you can't look at me when we do whatever it is we do? That's great. That's just dandy. We're repulsed by each other. We hide from our friends. All in all this is not what I call a big self esteem booster
 
Egg Thing
 
You know it's the whole sex leads to responsibility thing which I personally don't get. You gotta take care of the egg. It's a baby. You gotta keep it safe. And teach it Christian values. Then teach it that dradle song. The only thing that stresses me is when do we tell them they're adopted.
 
Ok so I boiled the egg but it stops it from the pesky possibility of breaking.
 
Language
 
Apparently Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words. You. Ange. Big smoochies.
 
Parenthood
 
Or perhaps it's the burden of parenthood. Notice how seriously you two have taken this egg thing while I have uh well chosen a more balanced approach. That's exactly what I'm talking about you can't stress over every little thing. A child picks up on that which is a one way ticket to Neurotic City. Which is another secret to conscientious egg care. Apply to scalding water and about eight minutes. Yeah I know it sounds cruel but sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind. I mean you can bet that little Xander her is thick skinned now.
 
Cheating
 
No it's like a shortcut like you know when you run a race.
 
Machevillian Ingenuity
 
I resent that or possibly thank you.
 
Big News
 
And what would that be Cordelia Barrette Appreciation Day.
 
Closet talk implies smoochies in the closet.
 
Look before eating a hard boiled egg although after that whole ick fest I'm not so sure that I'm ever gonna eat one again.
 
Grossout Quota
 
Oh no I almost ate one of these things. I think I fulfilled my grossout quota for the decade.
 
You look things up in books.
 
Exception To The Rule
 
It's ok to punch the girl whe she's under the influence of an ugly slimey thing especially if she hits me a second time on my bump.
 
2-13
 
2-14
 
It's a bad idea to start talking about another girl while kissing the girl I'm with.
 
Oz So Untrustable
 
I just don't trust Oz with her. I mean he's a senior. He's attractive. Ok maybe not to me but and he's in a band. And we all know what kind of element that attracts.
 
No Babble
 
I do not babble. I occasionally run on. Every now and then I yammer.
 
Note to self: Full moon with girl in car equals smoochies not talking of any kind.
 
If I say I heard something the hairy paw digging through the roof of the car totally vindicates me.
 
Werewolf
 
Well let's see um six feet tall, claws, a big old snout in the middle of his face like a wolf. Uh yeah I'm sticking with my first guess. Oh, oh and there was that little thing where it tried to bite us.
 
Full Moon
 
Unless the werewolf was using last year's Almanac.
 
Moon
 
And yet ironically led to the invention of the Moon Pie.
 
Whoa I actually made Giles laugh that must be a first like ever.
 
On behalf of my gender hey!
 
Hunting
 
I'm guessing your standard silver bullets are in order.
 
Knowledge
 
While we hang here doing nothing there's a human werewolf walking around out there probably making fun of us. Sure there is Giles knows stuff and, and I'm practically an expert on the subject. I know what it's like to crave the taste of freshly killed meat. To be taken over by those uncontrollable urges. I said I didn't remember anything about that. Look the point is that I have an affinity with this thing. I can get inside its head. I'm a big bad wolf. I'm on the prowl. I'm sniffin'. I'm snarling. I'm a slobbering predator. I'm wait a second it's right in front of us. It's obvious who I am. I'm Larry. The guy's practically got Wolf Boy stamped on his forehead. You got the dog bite. You got the aggression not to mention the excessive back hair. I'm gonna go talk to him force a confession out of him.
 
The Confession
 
Hurting me isn't going to make things go away. People are still going to find out. I don't want anything. I just want to help. No it's just I know what you're going through because I've been there. That's why I know you should talk about it. Larry please before someone else gets hurt.
 
Oops I helped in a way that I so wasn't expecting.
 
He's Gay!
 
It probably would have slipped out even if I wasn't here.
 
Peppy Boost
 
You're not boned you're Buffy. Eradicator of evil. Defender of um things that need defending.
 
No Good
 
So that's good right? I mean in the sense that the werewolf didn't get her. No there is no good here.
 
Can't Be Blamed
 
Buffy you can't blame yourself for every death that happens in Sunnydale. If it weren't for you people'd be lined up five deep waiting to get themselves buried. Willow would be Robbie the Robot's love slave. I wouldn't even have a head and Theresa's a vampire.
 
Staking
 
Oh no on life's not too complicated.
 
Two Trains On Different Tracks
 
This is all so weird. I mean how we are supposed to act when we see him? All I know is I'll never be able to look at him the same again.
 
Make sure I know the train of thought before doing the whole babble thing.
 
Weird!
 
What it's not ok for one guy to like another guy just because he happened to be in the locker room with him when absolutely nothing happened. And I thought I told you not to push. Oh, oh yeah that's the weirdness.
 
Oz And Willow
 
What relationship? I mean what life could they possibly have together? We're talking obedience school, paper training, Oz is always in the back burying their things, and that kind of breed can turn on it's owner. All I'm saying is that she's not safe with him. If it were up to me...
 
No Making Fun
 
When are you gonna stop making fun of me for dating Cordelia? In a parallel universe maybe. Here the only other person I'm interested in is um unavailable. Besides Cordy and I are really getting along. We're not fighting as much and yesterday we just sat together not even speaking. You know just enjoying comfortable silence. Man that was dull.
 
Valentine's Day
 
Well this is new territory for me. My Valentines are usually met with heart felt restraining orders.
 
Dating
 
I wish dating was like slaying. You know simple direct stake to the heart. No muss. No fuss.
 
This time I'm ready for you. No F for Xander today. No this baby is my ticket to a sweet D-.
 
Buffy Dressed Me
 
Ok clearly the fact that I please you visually has got us off on the wrong foot here. Let me finish. I've been thinking about us a lot lately the why and the wherefore. You know once, twice a kissy here a kissy there, and you could chalk all that up to hormones. And maybe that's all we have her tawdry teen lust. But maybe not. Maybe something in you sees something special in me. And vice versa. I mean I think I do. See something.
 
Breaking Up
 
Ok. Not quite the reaction I was looking for. Yeah. Ok. Do you know what's a good day to break up with somebody? Any day besides Valentine's Day. I mean what were you running low on dramatic irony?
 
Blackmail
 
Blackmail the witch into doing some mojo for me can seriously backfire.
 
Blackmail is such an ugly word. Yeah. But I'm about to blackmail you. So I thought I'd bring it up. What do I want? I want some respect around here. I want for once to come out ahead. I want the Hellmouth to be working for me. You and me and Amy we're gonna cast a little spell.
 
Love Spell
 
Yeah you know just the basic can't eat, can't sleep, can't breathe anything but little old moi.
 
Whoa! Whoa back up. Who said anything about eternity? A man can only talk of self tanning lotion for so long before his head explodes.
 
The point is I want her to want me desperately so I can break up with her and subject her to the same hell she's been putting me through.
 
Pure Intent
 
Right I intend revenge pure as the driven snow.
 
Now are you gonna play or do we need to have a chat about invisible homework?
 
Heart Necklace
 
Last night it was a gift. Today it's scrap metal. I figure I could melt it down sell it for fillings or something. Come on I'm not gonna add to the Cordelia Chase castoff collection.
 
Oh what a difference a day makes.
 
Is this love? 'Cause maybe on you it doesn't look that different.
 
Idea
 
I have a plan. We use me as bait. No I mean chop me into little pieces and stick me on hooks for fish to nibble at 'cause it would be more fun than my life.
 
Comfort
 
Would lap dancing enter into that scenario at all? 'Cause I find that very comforting.
 
I Am Xander
 
It is wrong to meddle with the forces of darkness.
 
Will I think I know what you've been thinking. But this is all my fault. I cast a spell and it sort of backfired.
 
Best Friends
 
A long, long time. Too long to do anything that might change that now. This is good. How close we are now. I feel very comfortable with this amount of closeness. In fact I can even back up a few paces and still be happy.
 
Will's First?
 
Baseman. Please tell me we're talking baseball. It's not that I don't find you sexy. Yes he is and you should go to him 'cause he's me. I I don't want to us force. That's it. This has got to stop. It's time for me to act like a man. And hide.
 
Have Mercy
 
It's me throwing myself at your mercy. I made a mess Giles. See I found out that Amy's into Witchcraft, and I was hurt I guess, so I so I made her put the love whammy on Cordy. But it backfired and now every woman in Sunnydale wants to make me her cuddle monky which may sound swell on paper but...
 
Oh no I'm twice the fool it takes to do something like this.
 
Note to self: The door opens outward so the card catalog is no good.
 
Open My Present
 
It's not that I don't want to. Sometimes the remote impossible possibility that you might like me was all that sustained me. But not now. Not like this. This isn't real to you. You're only here because of a spell. I mean if I thought you had one clue what it would mean to me but you don't. So I can't.
 
Ok I deserved the punch in the face man Oz really packs a punch for such a little guy.
 
I'm Attractive
 
Insane? Is it so impossible for you to believe that other women find me attractive?
 
How bizarre to be saved from certain death at the hands of Dead Boy by Dru Looney Tunes.
 
None of this would have happened if you hadn't broken up with me. But you're so desperate to be popular.
 
It would have worked fine except your hide's so thick not even magic can penetrate it.
 
Homicidal females can really spoil the moment.
 
Ok being unpopular sucks but there are worse things like girls trying to axe murder me and the one at the head my best friend.
 
Come on Buffy I couldn't take advantage of you like that. Ok for a minute it was touch and go there.
 
No Inviting Strange Men
 
A visit from the pointed tooth fairy.
 
You know I think there may be a valuable lesson for you gals about inviting strange men into your bedrooms.
 
Invited In The Car
 
Yep you're doomed to happen give h im and his vamp pals a life whenever they feel like it and those guys never chip in for gas.
 
A Library?
 
Hello excuse me but have you ever heard of knockin'? Does this look like a Barnes & Noble? Since when?
 
The nyah nyah nyah approach to battle.
 
Yeah the more people who know the secret the more it cheapens it for the rest of us.
 
Hey how come Buffy doesn't get a snotty one liner again you've boiled it down to the simplest form thing? Watcher's pet!
 
Killing Angel
 
Well it's about time somebody did. I'm sorry but let's not forget that I hated Angel long before you jumped on the band wagon. So I think I deserve a little something for not saying I told you so long before now and if Giles wants to go after the fiend that murdered his girlfriend I say faster pussycat kill, kill.
 
Need A Life Stat
 
Man Buffy my whole life just passed before my eyes. I gotta get me a life.
 
Half Slayer
 
Buffy this is not the time to challenge Angel for the Ultimate Fighting Championship. He's at full strength. You're only half a Slayer.
 
Start kicking and punching overhead and keep a firm grasp on the cross.
 
Take a walk overbite.
 
Standing Up To Evil Undead
 
Visiting hours are over. Yeah. Why don't you come back during the day? Oh gee no I guess you can't. Maybe not. Maybe not that security guard couldn't either. Or those cops. Or the orderlies. But I'm kind of curious to find out. You game? You're gonna die and I'm gonna be there.
 
The flu doesn't exactly sound monsterific.
 
Death
 
Ooh if he asks you to play chess don't even do it. Guy's like a whiz.
 
Jealous
 
Could you make just a little more with the touchy gropey? Of Rogaine Boy? I don't think so.
 
Increased ooginess that's a danger signal.
 
Will Playing Doctor
 
No she's being literal. She used to have all these medical volumes uh and diagnosed me with stuff. I didn't have the heart to tell her she was playing it wrong.
 
Death Guy
 
I'm on sentry duty. Angel won't show till if at all but maybe I'll get lucky with this death guy. Yeah but if I see a floating pipe and a smoking jacket he's dropped.
 
Saved The Day
 
You're not gonna yak on me right?
 
Know the chips sitch.
 
Your Mom's trying to boggart the cheesey chips. What's that all about?
 
School Motto
 
Something weird is going on. Isn't that our school motto?
 
Hellmouth Life
 
I don't want to poo poo your wiggens but an domestic dispute a case of chalkboard Tourettes all sounds like Hellmouth life to me.
 
A locker monster is a definite sign that something weird is going on.
 
Not Amused
 
You're just a big bucket of funny Will. I'll have you know I was just accosted by some kind of um locker monster.
 
No Casper
 
Oh no, no, no, no cool. This was no whimpy chain rattler. This was I'm dead as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore.
 
Defined
 
I defined something? Accurately? Guess I'm done with the book learnin'.
 
Book Guy
 
I know he's usually investigates things from every boring angel guy now he's like cling onto my one lame idea guy what gives?
 
Dog's spit is cleaner than human.
 
Dreams Wicked Accurate
 
You wouldn't happen to see me coming across some big cash or possibly knowing the love of a woman in a full body sense?
 
Hey if I don't ask I don't get anywhere so why not ask?
 
Dumb
 
He killed a person then he killed himself those are pretty much two of the dumbest things you can do.
 
Breaking The Tension
 
Ok who's hungry?
 
Obviously some hairy legged feminist.
 
Scapula
 
Ok so we can flip the ghost over when it turns a nice golden brown.

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Relaxing
 
I'm exhausted just looking at those two. All the splashing and jumping and running. Shouldn't relaxing involve less exertion?
 
Culinary Skills
 
The fire uh not cooperating. It's comforting to know that I lack the finesse of a cave man.
 
Secrets
 
Oh well not that I wouldn't be all ears if you wanted to tell me a secret about you two even if it was very very naughty.
 
Dracula
 
Nice look who's got a bad case of Dark Prince Envy. No we're not going to leave you. Where'd you get that accent Sesame Street? One, two, three victims ma ha ha!
 
I should think before I mock sometimes.
 
Gushing And So Not Jealous
 
Or maybe better yet why don't you go sit on top of a crypt and flaunt your neck cleavage until Dracula shows up then you two can talk private. Oh no just because you're panting over the guy.
 
Fine I suppose Dracula doesn't use bleach huh he's a darks only man.
 
Not So Tough
 
You know what you're not so big. One round of old fashioned fisticuffs I bet you'd fold like a bitty baby. Ok lets do it and no poofing. Come on puffy shirt pucker on up 'cause you can kiss your pale ass good...
 
Emissary
 
Blood yes yes I will serve you your excellent spookiness. Or master I'll just stick with master.
 
Being under the thrall of Dracula sucks and that whole bug eating thing was so gross.
 
Who knew bugs would be so plentiful no wonder I kept snacking on jelly donuts to get rid of the taste of bug.
 
Become Immortal
 
I'm supposed to take you to the master now. There's this whole deal thing where I get to be immortal. You cool with that?
 
So now comes the immortality right? You do the thing.
 
Getting punched out by Riley isn't tops on my list of fun although making time with the Drac babes sounds like it might have been better.
 
No More!
 
Where is he? Where's the creep that turned me into his spider eating man bitch? Damn it! You knw what I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment it's over. I'm finished being everyone's butt monkey.
 
Pizza
 
Dawn patrol check this out they put cheese on round bread. It's gonna be big.
 
Being Good
 
Oh we will. We're just gonna play with matches, run with scissors, take candy from some guy I don't know his name.
 
Siblings
 
You nut. Your mom loves you both equally but if I'm wrong I find money usually tips the scale. Slip Joyce a ten or a twenty every once in a while. Then we'll see who's the favorite.
 
That means you're winning. Yes cash equals good.
 
Harmony Calling Buffy Out
 
Then I bet she'll be real sorry she missed your call. 'Fraid you and your buddies are gonna have to come back and be killed by Buffy later.
 
A Good Laugh
 
What could be funny? Just, "Look out! It's the terrifying Harmony Gang! Ooh!" I just I just can't picture anyone pathetic enough to be following...Is that Brad Konig? Huh. Hey Brad who'd have thought when you were beating up kids in gym class you'd end up Harmony's lap dog?
 
I'm afraid I don't feel like getting into another hair pulling cotenst with you.
 
Prepared
 
And we'll be ready for ya stakes, crosses, the whole enchillada.
 
Harmony Has Minions
 
And Ruffles have ridges.
 
Willow Makes It All Better
 
She'll come for a return engagement of her uninvitation spell. She probably still has the stuff from last week, and babg boom, you're back in the fortress of solitute. All better.
 
Sometimes it's best just to let the best friend rant.
 
Hospitality
 
I wish I had something to offer you guys but the food plate's out of commission. I do have Spaghetti O's set them on top of the dryer and you're a fluff cycle away from lukewarn goodness.
 
Guess the folks are back. No no I was wrong just incompentent burglers.
 
New Place
 
Yeah maybe it's definetely time to start looking for a new place. Something a little nicer. Buffy you've been to Hell they have one bedroom's right?
 
It's really bad when bits of the ceiling fall down.
 
Incompently dubbed Kung Fu our most valuable Chinese import.
 
Note to self: Don't try to massage Anya when she has a dislocated shoulder.
 
Willow And Witches In Movies
 
What? Oh yeah she's all like what's that a cauldron who uses a cauldron anymore?
 
My References
 
It's key to have references even if I fake it.
 
No I have Albert which is me doing an imortant voice. Xander Harris an excellent tenant and a very nice looking fellow.
 
The Bedroom
 
Guys you can't save it for the bedroom? Ok good point.
 
An application? I can't just tell you my references because they're valid.
 
Oh credit check. A little check on the credit. See how creditible my checks are.
 
Just ignore Anya's tired while I'm trying to get an apartment and just smile.
 
I guess I'll just start on that application. I think you'll like it. I've been told I have lovely penmanship.
 
Magic Shop
 
So you bought the magic shop and you were attcked before it opened. Who's up for a sweet chorus of the I told you so symphony?
 
Olfactory
 
Well I guess we're off to the old factory. I hate that place. I'm joking I know what it means. He smelled. Right?
 
Getting hit with the creepy stick thing not to mention waking up in the city dump with the flies buzzing around wasn't my idea of a good time.
 
Never ever kick a door even if I'm wearing shoes since it leads to pain.
 
My basement windows are really dirty.
 
Ok who put that stone there for me to trip over?
 
Call For Help
 
No it ate my quarter. Uh huh but see I'm having an agressively bad day. Ooh I got a quarter. I got a quarter. Well mam for me it's worth getting excited about.
 
There's nothing more annoying than a bitchy operator.
 
Welcome to payback Mr Evil Plan Face Stealer. You take my life you get my being fired absolutely free.
 
Watch out for portapotties 'cause those doors hurt when it smacked into my face.
 
Mr Harris yeah right.
 
Moving On
 
Right there comes a point when you either have to move on or just buy yourself a Klingon costume and go with it.
 
It was so strange to hear that chick coming on to me/him/we/ whatever!
 
Matchy Socks
 
Please lady that is so not me. He's too clean for one thing and his socks are all matchy.
 
Asking For Will's Help
 
Don't be scared Will just listen. It's me Xander and I can prove it. Let's see stuff only you and me know. Ok on my seventh birthday I wanted a toy fire truck and I didn't get it and you were real nice about it and then the house next door burned down and then real fire trucks came and for years I thought you sent the fire for me and if you did you can tell me. For a while last year I thought I was lactose intolerant but it was just some bad brie. Oh every Christmas we watch Charlie Brown together and I do the Snoopy Dance.
 
My Theory
 
It's a robot. It's an evil robot constructed from evil parts that look like me designed to do evil. Or it's Toth.
 
A demon. A demon that has taken my life from me and he's living it better than I do. Right. Whatever. But I need help. I get into trouble and Buffy saves me. I'm just another great humiliation and this time it's even worse. This demon he's like taking my life and everyone's treating him like a grown up. Will I'm starting to feel like like he's doing everything better. He's smarter and I don't know maybe I shold just let him have it. Take my life please. Why not it's not like I was doing anything so great with it? When I get to the pearly gates I'm sure the guy's not gonna go, "What a kick ass comic book collection come on in." What have I got that's even worth? Anya..
 
Soothing Words
 
You haven't been hurt like this since you became human. Maybe it's finally hitting you what being human means. Yes I think it is. You were gonna live for thousands of years and now you're gonna age and die. It must be terrifying. Being suddenly human? I think I can get what that would be like. And we can get through it together.
 
The Shiny Thing
 
Oh but he has a thing in his pocket a shiny disk that stuns and disorienates. Cover your eyes it'll melt your brain.
 
Flattened Nickel
 
Huh it is kinda cool Washington's still there but she's all smooshy and he may be Jefferson.
 
The gun pick up the little gun pieces.
 
There goes the cleaning deposit on this apartment.
 
Anya And The Twosome
 
It'd be very confusing to have sex with Anya and my other half not to mention in so many ways seriously wrong.
 
The Apartment Manager
 
How weird was it when she called me mister?
 
Kill us both Spock!
 
Hey summon the Goddess chant, chant.
 
Nostalgic
 
I don't know. At first it's just a place and then you start to make memories. And then you're like that's where Spike slept. And there that's where Anya and I drowned the Sapavro demon. Oh and right there that's where I got my heart all ripped out. I really hate this place.
 
My Babylon Five commerative plates are mine and mine alone.
 
Suave Xander's Left The Building
 
Still I do envy you sometimes I mean for the sanity not that I'm still into Buffy. Not that I ever was.
 
Making Things
 
Yeah, blueprints not a bad idea. That and getting straight measure twice, cut once. You know for the longest time, I had it backwards. Messy. Yeah carpentry is pretty cool.
 
Blind Taste Test
 
I'm telling ya Giles you got to set up a blind taste test to prove once and for all that generic amphibian eyeballs are just as good.
 
The Dummy
 
I'm the dummy man. I mean I made the dummy the thing you hit that doesn't hit back. That I made.
 
Fairy Godmother
 
I'm sure how to take being Santa Claus and Que all wrapped up into one.
 
(Not Star Trek the one from Bond)
 
Alone Time
 
Maybe he just needs some time alone. Like I had this friend once who really liked this girl, and he got all worried that maybe she didn't like him back. And maybe that made him act like a total jerk. Maybe Riley reminds me of that friend. Then again maybe not. Maybe he just wants attention.
 
Pearls Of Wisdom
 
I hear ya. Stay British. You'll be ok. The thousand yard stare. Damn hate to see it on any man but especially in retail.
 
I'll see your numbness and I'll raise you a lower back pain.
 
Cherry Corner Suite
 
Still it's hard to give up. You got the two entrances lost of opportunity for bawdy French farce and everybody loves bawdy...
 
The answer's here somewhere here. It's right in front of us and we're too blind to see it! I'm helping. I'm reading. I'm quiet.
 
The Present
 
Yeah that was a tangled web of lies sweetie.
 
I don't really know what to get someone that I don't know all that well even though she's nice I just don't know what to get her and she already has a Willow.
 
Will And Tara
 
Her and Willow are all Wiccie. Swingin' with the Wiccan lifestyle.
 
Magick Books
 
Yeah we're building a race of frog people. It's a good time.
 
And I swear by your full and manly beard you're gonna break something trying.
 
There's nothing worse than a bully that's a total weenie.
 
Note to self: Don't bring chips to the graveyard when patrolling with Riley since he get grouch and yells also I shouldn't yell out to him when I need his attention.
 
See now he's all mad and sarcastic.
 
Mr Stealthy Pants
 
We'll be sneakier promise.
 
You know what he's like a cat. You know a big jungle cat. How come I'm not like that? It's just so cool.
 
Bad hair follows you to the grave into death and undeath apparently.
 
Rude
 
I'm just saying I think it's rude. Rudeish, rudesque whatever you want to call it. When a person makes a destroy all vampires date, it's simple courtesy to wait for your co-destroyers.
 
Yep. Captain America blowed it up real good. All by his lone wolf lonesome.
 
Research
 
Oh yeah this has been fruitful. Trying to look up something you never saw and don't know the name of.
 
Hiding Away
 
No doubt lurking around some sewer or condemned church or some rat infested warehouse. You know the usual haunts.
 
Going Nowhere
 
Our circles are going around in circles. We've got dizzy circles here GIles.
 
Hey if it means I don't have to read anymore whoo. And might I add a big hoo.
 
Nothing
 
Anya broke a bippity boppity boo. A thing. Don't worry about it.
 
Oops!
 
Just once I would like to run into a cult of bunny worshipers.
 
Backup
 
Yeah crazy going off alone all half cocked instead of waiting for much needed backup charging in with a big old hand grenade. Oh wait. Yeah it is. Buffy needs something she can fight something she can solve. I don't know what kind of action you're looking for do you?
 
Night Of Slaying
 
Not so much a big success for me but I think I should get points just for showing up unlike some Riley Finn who shall remain unnamed.
 
Missed Fun
 
Oh yeah fun was had. Also frolic, merriment and near death hijinks.
 
Smelly Thing
 
Festive pinata? Delicious candy?
 
Oh yeah touchingi t was my first impulse. Luckily I've moved on to my second which involves dry heaving and running like hell. Oh man does that smell.
 
It's better to do research instead of looking in the woods.
 
Yeah don't do anything hunterly.
 
The Planets
 
Look at how teeny Mercury is compared to like Saturn. Whereas in contrast, the cars of the same name..
 
Library
 
I still don't know why we have to come here to get info about a killer snot monster.
 
Meteroites
 
Hmm maybe a chewy demon center like ours.
 
Mental Guy In Woods
 
And he got pretty well quelled.
 
Meteor go boom, crazy guy goes bye bye.
 
Summoned
 
Who else? My money's on Glory our resident beastie summoner.
 
Plans
 
So what do you want to do now Dawnster? Keeping in mind that i won't chase you because I'm old and I'm stuffed full of Mu gu gai starch.
 
Gambling And Booze
 
And after we teach her how to gamble maybe we could all get drunk.
 
Movie
 
Ok how about a movie? They're showing them in theaters now . I hear it's like watching a video with a bunch of strangers and a sticky floor.
 
Bath
 
Only in an erotic Penthousey way not in a sponge bathy geriatic sort of..
 
Banish Some Words From The English Language
 
Well I guess everybody jumped ship once the word got out that the Slayer found their crib. I just want to apologize for the use of the word crib.
 
Scary
 
Can you stop being scary for a minute and try listening to what I'm trying to tell you?
 
In your world maybe where the people are this isn't the time for Tales of Anya and Xander's Sexcapades.
 
Friendly Advice
 
I thought you might need to talk. Then I saw this skirmish happen. I was gonna lend a hand but I noticed you grew a few extra ones.
 
Serious
 
So am I something's up. You're acting like a crazy person. Take this for instance you don't wanna deal so you hide. Not very Slayer like. No? Good so you and Riley aren't imploding? It doesn't take a genius. What I can't figure out is how you never saw it coming. Nobody told me anything Buffy. It was right in front of my Xander face. The guy would do anything for you. You gonna let him go? Of course it is. Who cares if it's fair? In about twenty minutes Riley's gonna disappear maybe forever unless yo do something to stop him. Why wouldn't you? To keep Riley here. Dependable what is he State Farm? Yeah I think you mean convenient. I think you took it for granted that he was gonna show up when you wanted him to and take off when you didn't. Oh boy is this not about me. If you don't wanna hear what I have to say I'll shut up right now. I lied see what I think you got burned with Angel and then Riley shows up. But you missed the point. You shut down Buffy. And you've been treating Riley like the rebound guy when he's the one that comes along once in a lifetime. He's never held back with you. He's risked everything. And you're about to let him fly because you don't like ultimatums? If he's not the guy if what he needs from you just isn't there let him go. Break his heart and make it a clean break. But if you really think you can love this guy. I'm talking scary mess, no emotions barred need if you're ready for that think about what' you're about to lose. Run.
 
In Love
 
I gotta say soemthing. 'Cause I don't think I've made it clear. I'm in love with you. Powerfully, painfull in love. The things you do, the way you think, the way you move. I get excited every time I'm about to see you. You make me feel like I've never felt before in my life like a man. I just thought you might want to know.
 
Leaving
 
Riley's in the Central Republic of Where In The Hell.
 
Check big bomb clock.
 
Bummed Out
 
Are you talking to me hoping that I'll get so depressed that I'll impale myself on a fork right in front of you?
 
I've sunk to a new low when I start hanging out with Spike.
 
Troll Eats
 
But maybe some roast pigs and stags and much hearty grog.
 
A troll hammer is very painful especially when it hit me in the face.
 
I'm not a tiny man am I?
 
No Choosing
 
No. You are one crazy troll. I'm not choosing between my girlfriend and my best friend. That's insane troll logic. I'm not choosing.
 
Watcher's Council
 
I just loved being made to feel like I was some useless lump. I've clocked more field time than all of them combined and I'm part of the unit.
 
I bet they'd run away but first scream like a sissy if they came face to face with a vampire that didn't have a chip in his head.
 
Look at them. Big tough Council members picking on the books. Because they'd deport him they're not just destroying his career they're condemning the man to a lifetime diet of blood sausage, bangers, and mash.
 
A crazy Hell God and the fun just keeps on leaving.
 
Danger as in the other kind we're always in.
 
Yeah right on top, perched, ready for action.
 
This is so weird I have all these memories of Dawnie and they're all fake but it's kinda cool that she digs the Xan Man.
 
Ok a head nearly twisted off is not a happy thing.
 
I'm so not liking this Hell Bitch.
 
Hey Evil Dead you're in my seat.
 
Well you should never hurt the feelings of a brutual killer. You know that's uh that's actually some pretty good advice.
 
Water poses no challenge for Pay Day Man.
 
Hey Evil Dead stole my change so no liquid refreshment on me after all.
 
The point is I work hard for that money. You stole it. Listen Bleach Boy I don't have a chip in my head. I could do far more damage to you than you could ever do to me.
 
Could you give me a clue about what kind of clues?
 
This is so funny Spike being in love with Buffy but I guess not so much for her.
 
Not Real
 
No not creepy 'cause it's not real. I mean how upset can you really get over one of Spike's fevered daydreams that's not gonna happen.
 
Dawnie
 
I thought I was the one big funny Xander when did she change her tune?
 
I'm alive I can tell because of the pain.
 
Oh yeah this leaning this is the stuff.
 
Stand Me Up

The problem is not you don't do this to yourself please. There will be promise he he's out there could come along any moment. What I don't thin you're like that. Or maybe you could just be Buffy he'll see your amazing heart and he'll fall in love.
 
Of all days Buffy chooses to hug me when I'm all big and puffy.
 
Relationships are even more complex when you're involved with an ex demon.
 
Tossed Like Garbage
 
Now that was a beautiful thing to see that girl who's so obviously a robot tossing Spike out the window.
 
Not Cheap
 
Are you kidding double glazed glass ain't cheap and the jam needs to be completely repaired. Oh dear God I'm the grown up who sees the world through my job. I'm so like my Uncle Dave the plummer. I must be shot.
 
Damage
 
To who Spike see how vigoriously I don't care.
 
Nice Bot
 
Whoever he is knows his stuff that girl well that was a nice looking girl.
 
Oh yeah I live to squirm
 
Sexbot
 
She's a sexbot. I mean what guy doesn't dream about that. A beautiful girl with no other thought but to please you willing to do anything. Too many girls. I miss Oz. He'd get it. He wouldn't say anything but he'd get it.
 
Spike Alfame
 
Nah forget it letting him in is good 'cause then we get to toss him out.
 
Construction
 
See you construct the wood jamb and bring the glass into it and that's what you set into the opening. One of the cool things about that you see is us the jamb can be shim to be square even if the opening isn't.
 
It's scary but I actually know what I'm talking about.
 
I think I've actually turned into someone that you want around after a crazed robot attack.
 
Robots are the strangest people.
 
Stuffed To The Limit
 
Then I'd be pretty much ready for barf. No barf from the eating 'cause all was good and too much goodness...
 
The advantage of having a thousand year old girlfriend inside scoop.
 
Sounds like Santa is quite the guy to hang with if you're evil.
 
We do morgue time in the Scooby Gang.
 
Need To Rant
 
I'll tell you what it is it's the frickin' doctors. I mean they just let her out you know clean bill of health. Dig a hole in your skull, here's a bandaid next. They should have checked her over. They should have had her in. We don't have enough monsters in this town the doctors got to help them out. Things don't happen I mean they don't just happen.
 
Punching the wall helped for like a second and boy was that crappy wallmanship and it hurt too.
 
You shouldn't get homework on the day your mom dies.
 
Yeah I might stop by your mom's too. Well I'm not going to my place those people are scary.
 
Hey I'm not a monkey boy that jackass.
 
Making Life
 
Right when two peole are much older and way richer and far less stupid.
 
Slapping Buffy
 
No but if I have to see her straddle Spike again I'll definetely knock myself unconscious.
 
There are some things I want to just burn out of my eyes.
 
Spike Taking Advantage
 
Yes you are a monster. Vampires are monsters they make monster movies about them.
 
Oh great a whole flock of evil hobbits attack and knock me out.
 
Secure In My Sexuality
 
No one is judging you it's understandable Spike is strong and mysterious and sort of compact but well muscled.
 
On The Run
 
Hey we got to be like Sargeant Rock cool and collected in the face of overwhelming odds.
 
That guy is blood sucking the last nerve out of me.
 
We got company and they brought a crusade.
 
I'm no agent to any beast.
 
War
 
Well hey whoa this is war isn't it? And if there's one thing I've learned from Sargeant Rock is in war there are rules or at least there should be if you're as honorable as you think you are. Plus we do have your General Forehead Guy.
 
Great plan and while all the hacking and slashings going on what are you going to be doing huh throwing mirgraines at them?
 
Good panic that oughtta work.
 
I am so large with not knowing.
 
It did make me feel a little better when I punched Spike.
 
I know better than to risk the wrath of Will's crankiness.
 
The only good thing about getting hit by Spike is that it hurts him too.
 
The fog has been lifted so Ben is Glory which is so weird.
 
I hate being splattered with demon blood.
 
Smart chicks are so hot.
 
Popping The Question
 
I'm proposing to you Anya because it's not. I believe it. I think we're gonna get through this. I think I'm gonna live a long and silly life and I'm not interested in doing that without you around.
 
Well the glorified bricklayer did good and I'm also a swell bowler.
 
Spadoinkel!
 
Hell Bitch take that!
 
And the glorified bricklayer picks up a spare.

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In My Head
 
Great googley moogley I wish Will would stop popping into my head.
 
I know I know I don't have to talk when I answer but I saw The Fury and that way lies spooky carnival death.
 
I go by many names and Sweet Cookie Face is just one of them.
 
Well I guess it could have been a whole lot worse so that's the bright side.
 
The Swatting Match Of Giles And Anya
 
Ok when I'm marveling at the immaturity be scared.
 
Time
 
It's time like time, time with the timelyness. But why the sudden rushy rush I mean they did the Bot cover at school? And they still thought it was Buffy?
 
Man this town is full of a bunch of dummies.
 
Excuse me who made you Boss of the group?
 
Oops my bad I remember now and boy won't I not forget again.
 
Talking is a lot different than actually doing something like raising Buffy from the dead.
 
Scanario we raise Buffy from the grave she tries to eat our brains. Do we A: congratulate ourselves on a job well done?
 
Goodbye
 
And I wanted to buy you a can of Old English 800 'cause you know England and you and because at the time it sounded really funny.  But the guy who lives in the box in front of the store he wouldn't buy it for us.
 
 
Gone
 
It's a good thing my face was getting sore by all that faux smiling.
 
Lost
 
Ok this is really starting to grate my cheese. These woods aren't that big. Now I know we've been going straight because I've been following the north star. Nah it's not an airplane that's definetely a blimp. But I could see how one would make that airplane mistake.
 
Do not go all avoidy on me.
 
Demons ah there's something you don't see every day unless you're us.
 
Hello
 
Hello? We're being hunted and you're helloing a strange fast moving light in the dark. It could be anything. It's a motorcycle headlight. Stay behind me. Stay down. I'll take care of this. A bug. A big fiery bug thing. Get off. Do fireflies bit? No they probably burn don't they? And how long have you know that your girlfriend's Tinkerbell?
 
Surprise!
 
Ah peachy no doubt it'll lead the wild bunch right to us again. Hey Will next time this thing's damaged couldn't you program it to find the nearest Radio Shack?
 
So much for no more surprises since a really big one popped out.
 
Oh no!
 
No how could be so stupid! Our ressurection spell worked like a magick charm. We brought you back to life Buffy but we left her. In her coffin.
 
No Beauty You
 
I don't see you winning too many beauty contests unless the Miss My Face Fell Off pageant gets going.
 
My Axe
 
Better to cut you down to size Grandma.
 
Good Bluff
 
I happen to be a very powerful man witch myself.
 
Thomas Guide
 
Hey I've done a lot of fleeing on this mean streets I know all the shortcuts.
 
Ok Four Limbs
 
So much for my sense being primed for danger but on the bright side all my limbs are attached.
 
Do Something
 
I feel the need for some vigorous doin' ya know?
 
We made a demon? Bad us.
 
Did Not
 
I did not send the demon I was possessed. The demon used me to eavesdrop on our conversation.
 
Spiderman
 
Action is his reward.
 
One Side
 
What are you talking about taking your side? Anya I am your side.
 
Support
 
I'm supportive. I'm totally supportive. I'm a flying butress of support.
 
Not Breaking The News
 
Because I'm still getting used to the miracle of the steady paycheck and getting out of my parents and this husband thing it's a big step or a lot of little ones. And I love you so much I just want every step to be just right.
 
Anya if I tell them that we're engaged right after you dared me too wouldn't you always wonder if that was the only reason I did it? Score one for Captain Logic.
 
Some words shouldn't come out of my mouth.
 
Introductions
 
Ok first tip of the day when I introduce you to Tony the foreman you want to leave out stuff about blacking out and evil lint.
 
Halloween
 
Did that kid look in the mirror he shoudl watch who he calls stupid because he got a big old dose himself.
 
Getting Married
 
It's a big wow.
 
Pay A Girl?
 
Like I'd ever pay. Define date.
 
Buy A House
 
Like the kind you live in?
 
Babies
 
Yeah you got to know what to call 'em before they hit college.
 
Dash Of Oxygen With A Side Of Wallowage
 
Right deep pools of ooey delight. I'm wallowing not drowning.
 
I'm Staying Over...
 
Ah dipping intto the classics ya gotta respect that.
 
Respect the crueller and tame the donut.
 
Unnatural Singing
 
But disturbing not the natural order of things and you think it'll happen again?
 
Yeah sure there aren't any books volumey or otherwise they just want some alone time which actually sounds like a good idea and beats looking through books.
 
I bet they're not even working. Willow and Tara. Did you see the way they were with each other the get a roominess of them? I bet they're singing they're probably singing right now.
 
It's a nightmare. It's a plague. It's like a nightmare without a plague.
 
My Eyes
 
My eyes aren't beady! They're eyebally and just the right eye size.
 
Work with me British Man give me an axe and show me where to point it.
 
Easing Back
 
We pulled her out of an untold Hell dimension ergo the weirdness. The important thing is to be there for her.
 
Plan schman let's mount up.
 
I Did It
 
Well I didn't know what was gonna happen. I just thought there were gonna be dances and songs. I just wanted to make sure we we'd work out get a happy ending. Does this mean that I have to be your Queen?
 
Anya
 
You are attractive and have many good qualities.
 
Not Knowing And Maybe Selfish
 
We didn't wreck we didn't know. Maybe we were. I just feel weird feeling bad that my friend's not dead. It's too mind boggling so I decided to simplify the whole thing. Me like Buffy. Buffy's alive. So me glad.
 
Fix
 
We need to spend some more time with her. We just hang out. Maybe have weekly dinners over here or uh a book club. Short books. Videos.
 
Bow Out Gracefully
 
I'm gonna go get that phone you probably don't hear it high pitched ring ears like a dog.
 
Who?
 
Ok why was I on the ground and why are you all staring at me? Is this some kind of psych test? Am I getting paid for this?
 
Hey over here big guy check out this throbbing jugular.
 
Sorry I just got back the memory of seeing King Ralph.
 
All right back to basics a little old fashioned hacker action.
 
So what did Captain Peroxide want?
 
Demons
 
All these demons are starting to look alike the reptiles, the reptiles with horns, the reptiles with gills. I'm still finding nothing of the stealing diamond crazy guy variety.
 
Anya has a theory that Martha Stewart knows that guy.
 
Well you learn something new every day I didn't know Martha is a witch well I guess it makes sense.
 
Has A Point
 
There is as much as I hate to admit that my bizarre bride to be has a point we're getting nowhere here Buf maybe it's time to try something you know hit the streets. Get Spike.
 
Pathetic Much
 
Good Godfrey Cambridge Spike you're still trying to mac on Buffy? Wake up already never gonna happen. Only a complete loser would ever hook up with you unless she's a simpleton like Harmony or a nutsack like Drusilla.
 
Invisible Buffy
 
Less with the why and more with the how. We get the how and then we got how to make her sight unseen again right?
 
Rhymes with blinvisible.
 
No jumping look feet firmly planted.
 
Spike
 
You know kidding aside you really should get a girlfriend.
 
Vulcan Woman
 
Ooh I mean nerds.
 
Welcome to today's episode of Go Money Go. I hear it daily.
 
Fast Food
 
It's fast food I've swum these murky waters my friend. There's the assoted creepiness. There's staring. There's the enthusiaastic not showing up at all. I think you're just seeing demons where there's just life.
 
The Burger
 
What? People? Well first you say it's cat than you come in hand me a burger blah blah blah five minutes later oh and by the way it happens to be hot delicious human flesh! That's your problem in the scenario you getting seconds? Yeah you just missed the Gary burger.
 
Careers
 
Ok but maybe you'll be a lawyer or a doctor and you can use all your money to support your deadbeat sister.
 
Ok is there any answer to that question that won't make ya nuts?
 
Again I say huh.
 
Night Of Fun And Dance
 
You've been going at it too hard Buffy we hardly ever see ya what with slinging the Doublemeat and pounding the big evil.
 
Cool well shimmy on out when you're through lubricating.
 
Oh I think I pulled a jive muscle last night. Yeah I'm gonna go bring Anya up to speed on that monkey situation.
 
Total Turnoff
 
Honey slugs get turned off by slugs.
 
Man a nerd goes into hiding he really goes into hiding.
 
No Go
 
No it's just you know you're upset because we all want to leave and now we can't leave. The only thing missing is a cornfield. There isn't a cornfield? Well 'cause you know we sometimes do something that seems like a good idea at the time like invoke the power of a musical amulet and turns out you know not so much.
 
Will's Stash Of Magick Stuff
 
That's great in a very bad way.
 
Freakout
 
An listen to me you're just freaking out ok it's normal. You're just you're just scared we all are. We'll come up with a plan and we'll get through it all right. We'll do something.
 
Hey that's cheating the whole popping out like that.
 
Weird Friends
 
News from the file marked Duh.
 
Free At Last
 
I just want to run barefoot on the grass so I can feel the dewdrops between my...God look at the stars.
 
Wedding Plans
 
The seating chart is fine let's get back to the table arrangements. I'm starting to have dreams of Gardenia bouquets. I am so glad my manly co-workers didn't hear me say that.
 
Hands Off The Chips
 
Yeah! Wedding one week we have friends, family, demons flying in, a To Do List getting no shorter and do not take my chips.
 
My Family
 
I'm not I hate my Uncle. I hate my whole family that's why I'm marrying you to start a new family. Have children make them hate us and one day they'll get married and sleep on their couch. The circle of life.
 
Why did we ever agree to let your friends who are demons and my fmaily who are monsters stay at our place?
 
We're here to help just like old times except you being all big with the married life.
 
Marriage And Wedding
 
No but granted I have a hard time imagining Nick and Nora Fury hiding out from their own relatives in the bathroom. And I have no idea what Riley and Mrs Riley's wedding was like. Well they have a great marriage and it bummed Buffy out but I can see it and Anya I really have no clue what their wedding was like.
 
Seperate things. One fills me with a dread akin to public speaking engagements which will be over soon. Which lasts forever.
 
The Big Day
 
Have you seen my cufflinks Uncle Rory little metal deals hold my sleeves together?
 
Just another reason to hate my Uncle and would it kill the man to put on clothes or at least close the robe.
 
Why oh why did I give my parents my address so they could actually find me?
 
Cousin Carol your earrings are my cufflinks. Excellent cufflinks check. We're rollin' now nothing on earth can stop this wedding now.
 
Of course getting tricked by a demon out for revenge against my bride to be can really work on my innermost fears which puts the wedding to a screeching halt.
 
Cummerbund Woes
 
It fit when I picked up the tux. How can it not fit now? Ah man what if it doesn't? What if I can't wear my cummerbund? And then the whole world can see the place where my pants meet my shirt! Buffy that can not happen. I must wear das cummerbund! I've been meaning to cut back on that habit forming oxygen.
 
Good Kind Of Tears
 
Happy teary not frustrated with bow tie teary.
 
Last Minute Fling Potential
 
You wanna get lucky I still got fifteen, twenty minutes.
 
Playing On My Fears
 
Oh from the future for a minute I thought you were a nutball but now that you're from the future...
 
I hope you crash in your pink car!
 
Well your double X's don't look too bad there either.
 
I'm Back
 
Is she here? I need to her suitcase is gone and some of her stuff and there's a closed sign on the Magic Box which like chills me to the bone.
 
I Still Love Her
 
I know that I'm a better person with her in my life but things got so complicated with the wedding and with my family and her demons. And what if it all goes to Hell? And forever? But then I left and ever since I've had this painful hole inside. And I'm the idiot that dug it out. I screwed up real bad.
 
I forgot Willie one a bite can't hurt me.
 
Totally Real
 
Ah come on that's ridiculous. What you think this isn't real just because of all the vampires and demons and ex vengeance demons and the sister that used to be a big ball of universe destroying energy?
 
Only for Buffy would I put up with a hunt with Captain Peroxide.
 
Spike we need muscle not color commentary.
 
If I can't say something I can't say something all I know is he's all waxy and like a killer candle with pokey things that send you reeling into fantasyland.
 
I altered his reality.
 
I like both my arms too.
 
Hello I'm back clean and with a better smell now. Friends, Romans, anyone. Hey hello there Sane Girl.
 
Ok bashing me in with a frying pan doesn't qualify as sane in my book.
 
I so don't want to see Spike right now. I mean talk about losing touch. I hate to say it but I almost feel sorry for the guy. Almost the things the poor guy was saying I mean I get it you know been a part of the Buffy obsession.
 
No, no I mean you know if I were like more self aware because with the whole idiot thing.
 
Land Of Sane
 
That's not proactive guy that's sit around and watch the rest of your life turn to crap.
 
Stupid axe getting all stuck in the wall just when I'm in the mood for a little beheading.
 
Doing Spike
 
Ok you had to do it because he was there like Mt Everest. Like I used to be. So you go out and bang the first body you can find dead or alive.
 
I hurt you and you get me back very mature.
 
Dead Serious
 
I'm not joking now. You let that evil soulless thing touch you. You wanted me to feel something congratulations it worked. I look at you and I feel sick 'cause you had sex with that.
 
I don't want to know this. I don't want to know any of this.
 
Just Happened!
 
Oh like uh say you're evil get on me.
 
Mistakes Got Made
 
I'm not saying that I didn't make any mistakes but last time I checked slaughtering half of Europe wasn't one of them. He doesn't have a soul Buffy just some leash they jammed in his head.
 
I'm A Fish
 
Good thing I'm part fish. The part with the hook in it. Yeah then there'd be the flopping, the gasping, sure maybe it'd work out but chances are I'd up and leave you at the helm in your white dress, then find you spawning with another fish, who turns out to be spawning night and day behind my back, and then comes the fighting, and again the flopping and the gasping, 'cause, hey Chicken of the Sea here is not doing too good with the women these days. Sorry I was looking to curl up with a little alone tonight.
 
Incest So Not Sexy
 
See now I think it's the daddy thing that's throwin' her 'cause incest not that sexy. So uh why don't we leave the ladies their impending nausea and take the freakshow outside.
 
I so don't hit like a girl and he's totally cheating with his magickal balls.
 
I really don't like Warren at all and my face concurs.
 
Geek Emerges
 
It's Klingon. They're love poems which has nothing to do with the insidious scheme you're about to describe.
 
Be careful Warren's gone all Mighty Mouse emphasis on the might.
 
Making Up
 
Time for the Spring poking already.
 
Evil Uno
 
The sinister yet addictive card game.
 
Ok this isn't good to have a nice mushy marshmellow moment with Buffy get totally trashed with psycho nerd toting a gun and shooting my best friend while I just stood their like a deer in the headlights.
 
Lighten The Mood
 
You got to stop doing this. This dying thing's funny once maybe twice.
 
Choice
 
I think Buffy gets the tiebreaker on this one she was the one on the ouchie end of the bullet.
 
New Look
 
Can I just ask what's with the makeover of the damned? I mean the hair.
 
Drive Away
 
Fine Puppet Master wants to drive go right ahead.
 
So not liking this new look of Will's it's pretty darn scary.
 
This is like the day from Hell like in the literal sense of the word.
 
Warren Totally Baddie
 
I'm just saying he's just as bad as any vampire you send to Dustville.
 
So Not Comforting
 
Not exactly it seems Anya got her vengeance on again. So Willow's all wrathy why don't you go to her isn't that your gig?
 
Cold Blooded
 
Warren was a cold blooded killer of women who was just warniimg up you ask me the bastard had it coming.
 
Feeling Really Helpful Right About Now
 
Ok then I'll just catch up. It's only my best friend ya know. No big deal it's just glad I can help.
 
Well aren't I the useless lump having to make my way through the woods without any bread crumbs to help me along at least this time I didn't get lost.
 
Gettaway Car
 
The least I can do is supply a gettaway car and it's fitting to make a prison break with a police car.
 
I'm surprised my ears didn't start bleeding from that screechy noise.
 
Boys if you don't knock it off I will pull this car over and you can just walk to your painful deaths from here.
 
Blonde Nerd Boy
 
And I could smack you so you eyeballs switch sockets.
 
League Of Her Own
 
I think Willow's in a league of her own about now Dabble Boy.
 
Great Babylonian thanks a bushel unless you can read Babylonian why don't you sit back down.
 
Hey now play nice fellas or you'll break our concentration. And Willow will make you two boneless chickens skinless too.
 
Right 'cause you varnishing the table with Spike how could that possibly have hurt it may have chafed.
 
Usless
 
You think I don't know that? You think I'm the hero of this piece? I saw the gun. Before Warren raised it I saw it and I couldn't move. He shot two of my friends before I could even...You want to know how useless I am that it's my fault thanks I already got the memo.
 
Ok a nerd shouldn't be allowed to handle the swords especially one who hasn't seen a bit of touch.
 
Running Away
 
I have no idea. I don't know ok. I can't even run away well that's something I'm usually good at. Yeah because I've been such a big help already standing around like a monky while Buffy gets shot. Tara's dead and Willow's sure if he wasn't too busy trying to rape your sister.
 
In The Genes
 
Is this blindspot a genetic trait in the Summers women? The only useful thing Spike ever did was finally leave town.
 
Saving The World
 
Hey black eyed girl what ya doin'? Ah no you're not the only one with powers you know. You may be a hopped up uber witch but this carpenter can drywall you into the next century. Yeah I get that but it's just where else am I gonna go? You've been my best friend my whole life. World gonna end where else would I want to be? Well I was gonna walk ya off the cliff and hand you an anvil but it seemed kinda cartoony. I'm not joking. I know you're in pain. I can't imagine the pain you're in and I know you're about to do something apocalyptically evil and stupi and hey still want to hang you're Willow. The first day of kindergarten you cried because you broke the yellow crayon and you were too afriad to tell anyone. You've come pretty far ending the world not a terrific notion but the thing is yeah I love you. I love crayon breaky Willow and I love scary, veiny Willow. So if I'm going out it's here. If you want to kill the world well then start with me. I've earned that. It doesn't matter I'll still love you. I love you. I love you. I love you Willow. I love you. I love you.

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New Hellmouth High
 
How bizarret that I'm helping to rebuild the high school that we blowed up.
 
Oh no I think I've actually turned into an actual grownup.
 
Well the last two principals were eaten who'd even apply for that job.
 
Unless of course they get hazard pay but the extra cash wouldn't help if they get eaten.
 
At a spanking new Hellmouth High please outside of drugs and violence and unwanted pregnancy and the unleashing of hordes of armeggedon that comes pouring out of the school's foundation every now and then what trouble could those kids have.
 
Dating
 
Sure it is she bounced back to being a vengeance demon and I bounced back to being a dateless nerd.
 
What a dolt I had to go and mention the girl's dog way to go Mr Smooth.
 
I'm thinking here in the presence of good friends and pointy weapons.
 
Who? Buffy? Oh no, no, no see uh I mean she's a girl and she's a friend but she's not my girlfriend.
 
Right Sunnydale come for the food and stay for the dismemberment.
 
Well you could slip me a twenty but then I'd have to act all offended.
 
Even better I'm really elusive.
 
Ok even though I knew the answer it was still odd to hear Anya saying she turned that guy into a giant worm monster.
 
Wait that gets your sad noise? Peoples lives are in danger and you give it up for the Yorkie.
 
Well I guess that's a demon for ya.
 
Ok this officially blows any shot I had with Nancy after witnessing this freak show called my life.
 
Ok I can do with the whole not seeign Anya in demon mode again yeesh that'd give a guy nightmares if you're not a resident of Hellmouth City and aren't burying your head in the sand.
 
Yellow Crayon Sign
 
You think she'll get the sign? I used yellow crayon. It was a thing from when I talked to Willow on the bluff. Hope she gets it.
 
From The Heart
 
I saved the world with talking from my mouth. My mouth saved the world.
 
Returning
 
I'm gonna say, "Hi Willow."
 
Ok there may be a potential for worry with no sign of Willow.
 
Well I've avoided Giles tons of times just meant I was lazy not evil.
 
Is he throwin' a tasteful British wiggins?
 
Skinless Guy
 
Ok this is a deja vu I so didn't want.
 
Crazy Vampire
 
Boy he's extra useful today.
 
And that means something because he's chock full of sanity.
 
Give him a break Buffy maybe it's a viscious skin eating rock cliff.
 
You couldn't help it it had paralyzing fingernails.
 
Oh right face side up is better.
 
Right she'll love being called for vomit watch.
 
Nothing funner than hanging out in a coffin and what's with all the trouble for a potential vamp?
 
Counselor Buffy
 
I think you underestimate your familiarity with the world of weird and trick. This job's perfect for ya.
 
20-22And there's our friend the Reverend I hate women.
 
Kidnapping A Bringer
 
Yeah I'll get the magazines and start ripping the letters out now.
 
I personally wouldn't have minded a fight to the death match between Faith and Spike to liven things up.
 
For guys that don't talk that Bringer guy was awfully chatty.
 
Sometimes you need to take a break from the ice cream eating and join in with the sex since it's a housespread epidemic.
 
Pastured
 
Wait I'm not to the I got it place yet I'm still in the neighborhood of you gotta be kidding. I don't buffy do you get that? If I do this that's it for me for this fight. I feel like you're putting me out to pasture. Well you know it's like uh when a cow gets old and loses an eye or it's ability to be milked. The farmer takes it and puts it in a different pasture so it won't have to fight with the priest. Look I don't need you to protect me. I got hurt but I'm not done. I can still fight. I just always thought that I would be there with you. You know for the end. Not that this is the end.
 
Implying and saying are two totally different things like night and day what with the sun and the moon one burning and the other not so much.
 
Besides if you die I'll just bring you back to life that's what I do.
 
Hello Spike has a good century on me!
 
The Downside To Being A One Eyed Guy
 
Hey did you know I have to take a driving test every year now? No because of my eye it's a whole state law. They don't trust my depth perception anymore. And you know what's even worse all those stupid it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye joke. Hey Xander uh so no more fun and games huh? That's not the point. It's an obvious joke. It'd be like someone calling me a cyclops. I mean give me some eye of the beholder jokes you know or uh some eye for an eye jokes or maybe a post modern I Claudius joke you know. It's about standards Dawnie. Just be creative.
 
Ok I guess I deserved the whole zap thing man you don't mess with this girl because she means business much like big sis.
 
Don't look at me this is a Summers thing it's all very violent.
 
Hey party in my eyesocket and everyone's invited. Sometiems I shouldn't say words.
 
Smackdown with Red Riding Hood this could get ugly.
 
And don't be afraid to use him as a human shield.
 
New Look For The One Eye
 
I could use a new eyepatch. See I need a new look with this whole eyepatch thing.
 
Dusted
 
Call it the greenhouse effect very dangerous.
 
That's my girl always doing the stupid thing.

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